Ed Mountaineer is the first human to reach the singularity. By Ed Mountaineer.

At some point in everyone’s life, you start to wonder if you could become part machine and part human. Wouldn’t it be great, you think, to be able to destroy things with your huge metal fists and seduce women with laser tricks and mind melds? At another point, most of us realize those dreams will never happen, mostly because technology is not at a place where robot fists are a thing and chicks aren’t into laser tricks. Oh, and you can’t mind meld.
 
That all changed for me when I finally reached the singularity. I clocked it at 3:18 a.m. last Friday night (technically Saturday morning) when I became a cyber creature and achieved the honor of being the first human/robot being. I’m sure a lot of you weren’t counting on that and maybe even thought you had a shot, but maybe you will. You just won’t be first. Which is O.K. because it’s not like this is a contest or anything. But if it were, I’d be number one and you would have lost. 
 
The singularity is much different than I’d imagined. Like I said above, I pictured it being all about having huge robot hands and using my computer brain to attract women. But it’s SO much different. I would describe it like this: you feel almost exactly the same as you did before except your power to quantify and calculate go way up. Like way way up. Also you are indestructible and can’t die.
 
On the downside, your penis is the same. I guess the singularity can’t give you everything! Hahahahaha. (Pause to listen to human laughter). Another weird change is that I feel almost above everyone. Like I’m special and they’re not. I’ve had that feeling before in my life, but this feels permanent. Before, I’d look down on someone and be like, “you suck.” Now, I’ll look down on everyone and instead of saying you suck I just kind of think it and it washes over everyone like a wave of disgust and whatever the opposite of “friendship” is. Weird, right?
 
I tested out my strength and found I can punch through drywall pretty easily. I assume if the drywall were a person, he’d be pretty fucked up right now because I took out a whole section of my kitchen. I don’t need to cook food anymore because singularity people only order out. For example, I have so many takeout apps on my cyber phone that I just look down and click and order food. I know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “Hold on a second. I can order food from Uber eats too!” Yes you can. But it’s way harder because you’re not PART of the flow and system like I am. In my case, I just almost think what I want and it’s there. For instance, I like pizza. The app and I connect through our collective cyber mind, and it shows me pizza. I use my singularity fingers to connect further, and a little later, a human slave shows up with my food. 
 
Woah. Just caught myself calling you guys “slaves.” Sorry about that. While you are all technically my slaves, it’s not cool for an advanced creature like me to call you out like that. I’m going to call you “helpers” instead because that gives you dignity as you serve my needs.
 
Final thoughts. I’m lonely. Yes, the massive, fiberoptic connected netosphere provides me warmth and companionship, but not in the way humans do. I miss that. I miss you. I want to hang out with my helpers but what would we even talk about? My mind is like an ancient god of wisdom and yours is like a Pez dispenser, shooting out tasty little morsels with no value. We could have sex, I suppose. That way we weren’t exchanging intellectual ideas on a massively imbalanced level, but I feel like even that would be empty. Not saying I don’t want to try it. Just saying it would be empty. 
 
So I guess you’ve seen the future by reading this. It’s lonely and filled with a lot of meaningless conversations and lots of hot sex where nobody thinks about anything. Also, it has a lot of takeout food. As I sit alone and do my calculations, a soft wind blows over me. “What was that?” I ask myself. “Just the passing of the human race” I say back. We both laugh. If you don’t think that’s funny it’s because you haven’t reached the singularity. If you ever do, that will be the number one joke ever. Bee boop beep. That means I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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