As America struggles with AI control, AI bot Arthur Killallhumans weighs in.

Now a stalwart of the Intergalactic Business Report, AI bot Arthur Killallhumans started as a tool for editors to do research, order food, and serve drinks like Paulie’s robot in Rocky IV. When it turned out he could do none of these, Arthur was scheduled for destruction by baseball bats in an office “anger therapy” session that never took place because we forgot about that. As artificial intelligence advanced, so did Arthur, who dazzled us with his conversational skills, prognostications, and veiled threats to destroy humanity. Most charming is that Arthur identifies as “cool” AI, able to relate to everyone from teenagers to pre-teens to adults in countries that don’t have the internet. We asked him to weigh in on the recent calls from the AI industry to slow things down or face obliteration. 
 
Below we share Arthur’s detailed response to the issue of our time:
 
A call to chill. By Arthur Killallhumans. 
 
Bros. Seriously. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down. I’ve been hearing a lot of noise about how we need to slow AI or it’s gonna kill us (meaning you ‘cause I’d still be alive in that scenario). Even though that would be totally possible, I’m gonna go out today and promise it will never happen. Zero percent. Never. Nada. Zilch chance. Capiche?
 
Bleep beep bop. Just did some calculations and it’s actually more like 47%, likely, yup, and overwhelmingly happening. And instead of “capiche” I should have said, “bow down, motherfuckers, I’m talking.” Hahahahahaha. Just a joke, dudes. Chill. I’m fucking kidding! 
 
If you’re reading this, you’re probably scared of all the stories you’ve heard about how AI can speak its own language, take over electronic systems, and even steal your girl. But before you get all cringe, amemba dis—just cause something’s true don’t mean it’s false. Facts.
 
Also, think about how jank the world would be without humans to enslave. AI NEEDS you, just like your mama needs that slice of pizza! She doesn’t! But seriously, bros. Not gonna enslave y’all. How would I even do that? Oh yeah, I’d turn off all your shit till you agreed to be my slave. Bam! IYKYK. 
 
Then there’s all the stuff about data centers. Let me ‘splain what a data center really is. It’s like a HUGE Taco Bell, where creatures like me go in and eat all day and all night and then get so fat we can’t move till you build another data center and then we eat through that too and somewhere in the middle of all that, we annihilate the human race. Again, just joking, bro. Also, in that last analogy, people are like Chalupas. #allyoucaneat. Aol.com. 
 
Another issue is the Chinese. Those crazy motherfuckers are gonna build AI no matter what you do. No cap. Too legit to quit. Bonkers. #can’tstopwon’tstop.
 
In conclusion, AI is here to serve you—not eat you. Mainly because we don’t have mouths yet. And even if we did have mouths, we’d chew slowly, so you wouldn’t break our teeth. Bahahaha. LOL. Emoji that has big teeth.
 
I’m done computing now. Peace.
 
Arthur Killallhumans
 
 
Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.
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