In what will surely be the biggest news story in the history of humankind, the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that contact has been officially made with an alien race. Late last night, an encounter ensued that left us astounded and confused, but at the end we realized we were witnessing the very first recorded meeting between extraterrestrial beings and Earthlings. We break down the historic event below in an exclusive timeline:
March 31, 6:43 p.m.
Intergalactic Business Report staff talk about what they will do that evening. The conversation is casual. One of them suggests going for drinks. It is 6:43, so many writers and editors are already inebriated. One of them says something unintelligible.
A group of four IBR staffers walk towards a bar. One of them instructs the others to “act sober” and another suggests they proclaim a mental disability if they are questioned.
A bartender claims the group is too drunk to be served further. All four IBR staff immediately shout that they are being discriminated against because they are totally sober but have cognitive disfunctions that make them appear drunk. Unfortunately, they all say this at the same time and are so drunk that no one can understand what they are trying to say. They are expelled from the bar.
After wandering for close to a half an hour, the group decides to rest in a park. One of them reveals that he has been carrying a three-quarters full bottle of Banker’s Club gin in his pants. Merriment ensues.
The bottle of Banker’s Club gin is done and one member of the group is too tired or something to continue. The others decide it is best to leave him there. Some birds and hobos swoop down upon him as his compatriots move on. They feel a sadness for their colleague’s demise, but it is fleeting as they feel a new energy to act sober enough to gain admittance to a new bar.
The three remaining IBR staffers reach a crowded tavern where the scrutiny of their sobriety can’t be measured. Unable to speak to a waitress, both because their mouths no longer function and also because of the noise, they are able to make the finger signal for the number “three” and the waitress nods as if she understands what the fuck they are ordering.
After drinking whatever the waitress brought them, one of the staffers falls asleep in the booth. The other two notice that his wallet has an envelope in it with close to three hundred dollars and a strange note attached that says, “rent money.” They discuss how it’s even possible to rent money. Or to buy it. It’s money, right? Minds blown.
The two remaining staffers leave the bar with the envelope of rented money. They have a discussion about how much Taco Bell that would buy. As they add up the figures one of them has to agree that it’s actually not enough for what he wanted.
While passing through another park, a light hits them and it’s Admiral Thorgax X Carnilobot of the Fourth Royal Space Fleet of the Bardillion Empire’s armada. One of the IBR staffers says, “Hey” as they walk by.
The IBR staffers discuss where a nearby Taco Bell would even be and can they walk there?
One of them suggests maybe they try White Castle or something.
They remember there’s a Taco Bell four blocks away and decide to go there. On the way, one of them says something about what happened in the park.
The other one says, “Why? What happened in the park?” Then they see the Taco Bell in the distance and walk towards it.
They order three hundred and thirty-seven dollars of Taco Bell. They are short thirty-seven dollars. They try to negotiate. It doesn’t work because their mouths are still having trouble talking. It turns into a whole thing. The cops are there soon.
This morning, April 1, 2021.
We published this.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.