Breaking secret news: The seven reasons we’re starting to see U.F.O.s all the time.

Space aliens are waiting to see what we've learned.

 Every day it seems there’s a new U.F.O. sighting and as much as we try to explain them away as just weather balloons or secret military planes, we all know something else is going on. That’s why the Intergalactic Business Report has delved deep into history and science to reveal what no other information source dares to do: tell you the truth about why aliens are surfacing more and more on our planet.
 
Without getting into the scientific and historic details of our study, we can conclusively say that we’ve discovered irrefutable evidence that space aliens visited us long ago and are returning now to see if we have changed enough for them to finally make contact with us again.
 
The stunning facts for their return are listed below:
 
1. Early humans were nerds. Thousands and thousands of years ago, aliens landed on Earth and met with the earliest human civilizations. Their reaction to seeing our ancestors? Not good. Our space brethren saw them as being what can only be translated as “weenies” and “nerds.” That’s right. Space aliens felt they couldn’t “connect” with us, because we were too uptight and boring. 

2. Aliens wanted us to party more. According to an early alien proclamation uncovered by the Intergalactic Business Report, the space visitors felt that gatherings with humans were “lame” and most of this was because there was no alcohol. 

3. Early humans were given alcohol in hopes they would someday not be so lame. Undeniable proof shows that aliens gave humans a choice: start having better parties or risk annihilation. We were given something like ten thousand years* to accomplish this and given the basic technology to make booze. Aliens vowed to return to check on our progress in the future. 

4. Aliens may not destroy us if they find we’re partying hard enough. The space craft we’re seeing are aliens trying to figure out if we’re finally having better parties. We’ve found that the U.F.O.s are focusing primarily on college campuses, outdoor drinking festivals, and some guy named Gus Ratuliak. If they like what they see, we might have contact with them again and they may spare our planet. 

5. Aliens also may destroy us if they ever fly over Utah. Most scientists who have read our study** agree that this is the greatest concern our planet faces. It seems that Utah is very similar to early human civilizations in that parties there are more about eating food and having very very sober conversations about sports and church stuff. Come on, Utah… 

6. The aliens will probably ask us to send them a “champion” to compete against Horgack Starhole, their best partier, in a drinking contest that will determine our fate. This may be why they’re so focused on Gus Ratuliak. Could he be our savior? 

7. We all need to set aside stupid things, like jobs, and start drinking more. Come on, people of Earth, this is for the fate of our world.
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*We had trouble reading numbers in the ancient alien language, but we’re pretty sure this is accurate within ten million years.
 
**We use the word “scientists” broadly to include any person we showed this to. We excluded people who disagreed with our conclusions for better accuracy.