Have scientists finally discovered the secret language of dogs? We bought a $40 Million dog translation helmet to find out.

Hi der...

Since the days when cavemen fed scraps to wolves, human relationships with canines have grown from being symbiotic to deeply bonded. Lately, we have heard much about a “new age” of domestication for dogs, in which many of their useful qualities devolve so they become nothing more than friendly companions who offer us comfort instead of protection and silly looks in place of fetching, sniffing for drugs, and murdering people who displease us.
 
As dogs become more useless, and more human, there is no way we’re not going to get bored of them and want to move on to caring for and anthropomorphizing feral cats or robotic terror monkeys—or whatever. You fill in the blanks. 
 
But just as we’re about to give up hope for a meaningful future with the world’s hounds, retrievers (who don’t retrieve), and pointer-setters, scientists have discovered a way to hold our interest by decoding the language of dogs, thus opening a new level of intrigue as we may be able to hold the equivalent of learning disabled conversations with our furry wards and burdens.
 
At first, it was just soundboards where dogs would hit a button demanding food or attention. Now, scientists feel they can tap into the canine mind and hear their deepest thoughts, articulated. 
 
In what can only be described as one of the greatest moments in the history of science, the Intergalactic Business Report spent the equivalent of 40 Million dollars* to purchase the technology to communicate with dogs. Although the tech is crude and expensive in these early stages, the results were nothing short of stunning. As we attached a doggy “helmet” to our subjects, we heard their barks, growls, and yips come through translated in almost perfect English through the device. 
 
We “interviewed” thirty dogs of varying breeds and just let them say whatever they wanted. No prompts. No leading questions. Just listening. Here are the highlights of what they told us:
 
 
“Hello hooman. I want my food now.”
 
“Hey der, how’s about feeding dat to me?”
 
“Rub dat belly! Rub dat belly!”
 
“Hmmmm. What you holding der in yer hand? Dat some food?”
 
“Imma jump on your leg now. Imma jump on your leg now. Imma get down now and twirl around.”
 
“You suuuuure dat not some food you got der?”
 
“What dat noise? What dat noise?”
 
“Give me dat food! Give me dat food! Oh, you no got no food? Hmmm. You suuuure you no got no food?”
 
“Rub dat belly! Rub dat belly! Why you stop rubbing dat belly? Huh? Rub dat belly!”
 
“Time for food, hooman. Go get some.”
 
“Lemme out! Lemme out! LEMME OUT! Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gonna pee on dis wall. Gonna pee on dis floor! Lemme out.”
 
 
*$40 Million in dog dollars. 

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