On election day, how are aliens voting?

In 2024 we’ve all become a little obsessed with the U.S. presidential race. Political parties tell us it’s the most consequential election in history and that the results could determine whether we enter an age of despair and darkness or hope and free stuff. But as we delve into polls and trends and watch endless rallies and interviews, are we missing out on other races that may have serious ramifications not just for America, but the universe as well? 
 
As the only publication willing to explore beyond the tepid and obvious troubles of human life on Earth, the Intergalactic Business Report focuses on other political contests, from other galaxies. If you truly care about the future, pay attention to how aliens are voting this fall. 
 
 
Five of the most consequential alien political races taking place right now.
 
 
1. Admiral Borazon versus High Commander Blnaglix.
Borazon holds a slight lead of four trillion tributes over extremely popular but disorganized Binaglix. With only seven million years before the vote, this is as tight as it gets in the Fradallian sector of the Gorgonicstuuuup galaxy. We will be following this closely.
 
2. The referendum on removing space lice.
Advocates of "space lice" maintain that the laboratory-invented nanobots are helping citizens of the Hagra Union live as long as fifty million stukahs owing to their healing powers. Others believe the space lice are parasites, feeding on their innards. Concerned Hagrarians are appealing, through a referendum, that Doctor Assiduos turn the space lice off, but he warns that if he does there is a forty-seven percent chance they will rebel and try to eat their way out. Stay tuned.
 
3. Black Holius versus Space Hologram Jimmy Buffett.
Four billion planetary ovians ago everybody saw Black Holius as an evil entity devoted to swallowing up the universe. Now many think his proposed policy of only gorging on those who disagree with him makes sense. Enter Jimmy Buffett, who, deceased on Earth, continues mindless concerts extolling the virtues of getting drunk on a beach—this time as a massive hologram. Will his light shine bright enough to blind Black Holius and throw him off course? Or will Space Jesus arrive as was prophesied and disable both of them, returning all Turbarians to another six (Earth minutes) of peace and prosperity?
 
4. The Caretakers of Earth versus the Anal Probers.
For the first time in seventy vron cycles, a vote is up to determine whether gentle “caretaker” aliens or mean aliens who capture you and stick things in your butt will be given exclusive rights to interact with Earthlings. If the anal probers win, people of Earth will have to watch their cornholes until the next vote in (you guessed it) seventy vron cycles. 
 
5. The final intergalactic vote on using the portal to the seventh dimension as a glory hole for General Zook’s penis.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Pray that citizens of the universe choose wisely.
 

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