Secret report: All half-time shows are designed to suck. An exclusive, voice-changed interview with a half-time show planner.
You’re watching a football game. Everything is great. You’re drunk, screaming, standing up and sitting down and not really understanding why. Then comes half-time and the “show” you’re supposed to enjoy for some reason.
Like most of us, you’ve probably thought, “Is this really happening? Why would I want to see a marching band play crappy music I don’t even like when a marching band isn’t playing it?” As it turns out, the questions your head makes you have may be revealing a secret truth about why we have half-time shows at all.
In an ultra-exclusive secret interview with one of the country’s premiere half-time show planners, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers the truth behind why all of us are forced to watch these spectacles of horror.
We sat down with Gilbert Hamme (his name was changed so that you don’t know who he really is) and got the truth. Oh, and we also used a voice-changer, so our readers can’t identify his voice.*
INTERVIEWER: Half-time shows all suck. True?
GILBERT: It's a little broad to say that all half-time shows suck, but, yes, I think that’s fair to say.
INTERVIEWER: But yet they’re supposed to be entertaining and fun? It doesn’t seem to make any sense.
GILBERT: That’s because it’s not supposed to. Half-time shows are designed to make you feel like you’re going to see something that doesn’t totally suck, but then as soon as you watch it, you feel like you’ve been tricked or cheated.
INTERVIEWER: Why would you do that to us?
GILBERT: Because we hate you.
INTERVIEWER: Me, personally?
GILBERT: Yes, you. But not just you. All Americans in general. And, I would add, anyone else who's around to watch a half-time show.
INTERVIEWER: What’s with the marching bands?
GILBERT: Marching bands were invented by people who couldn’t play sports but wanted to somehow get back at the athletes they despised so much. So they forced their way into the break between the first and second half and just pretty much made everyone in attendance suffer by watching them prance around and play really really bad music that no one likes.
INTERVIEWER: That’s a fascinating history lesson. But what about those huge, Super Bowl half-time shows? Those don’t have marching bands, but they still suck. Really hard. Really really hard.
GILBERT: I would go as far as saying that they suck really really really hard. For the Super Bowl, we have to top ourselves and go beyond the usual misery we inflict on fans at smaller games. So we bring in Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars and have them do medleys of songs you don’t give a shit about and could listen to on iTunes at a much better quality even if you did. Still, you think because a music superstar is on a stage in the middle of a stadium, it’s going to be better than just listening to it on your phone.
INTERVIEWER: Why do we think that?
GILBERT: Because we make a big fucking deal about it and say, “Oh my god! Justin Timberlake’s the musical performer at the fucking Super Bowl!”
INTERVIEWER: And then we watch it?
GILBERT: Yes. And sometimes you even say shit like, “Oh, that was great.” Even though it wasn’t and it was designed to make you hate yourself.
INTERVIEWER: What’s with all the stupid dancers who surround the stage?
GILBERT: They’re prisoners we bring in to sharpen and enhance the total shittiness of the experience. When you watch them pretend to give a shit about seeing Bon Jovi, your soul breaks inside yourself without you even realizing it.
INTERVIEWER: Should I kill you so we can stop this?
GILBERT: I would say that if I were the ant-christ or something like that, it would be a good idea, but I’m just an asshole, and if we just went around killing all the assholes in the world…
INTERVIEWER: Then it would be a better place? Are you saying I should or shouldn’t kill you?
GILBERT: (Waving away the voice changer) I think this voice-changer thing is making you think I’m saying things I’m not. Could we please end this interview?
INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you ARE the anti-christ? What? You’re the devil?
(At this point, the interview came to a close, and while we did not execute the devil, we did decide to hold him in a cage locked with our “cane of truth” that we bought on the internet.)
*This caused a lot of problems as far as understanding what Gilbert was actually saying to us. Our voice changer was a Star Wars toy that was supposed to make you sound like Darth Vader and we held it up to Gilbert’s mouth while he spoke. When we weren’t sure what he said, we made educated guesses about what he probably spoke and printed that.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.