Ever watch your kid play in a youth soccer game and think, “This ref really sucks”? You’re not crazy, because he actually does. The Intergalactic Business Report goes undercover to interview a referee who finally breaks his silence and tells you what’s really going on in ref world.
Below is an exclusive interview with “Jarod” a youth soccer referee* who has called almost two thousand matches**. What he reveals will make you act like even a bigger dickhead the next time you shout nonsense from the sidelines at nine-year-olds kicking a ball.
Interviewer: Let’s cut right to the chase. Is it true that you make bullshit calls on purpose?
Jarod: Yes. Totally.
Interviewer: And why is that?
Jarod: Mostly because I’m a total asshole and I enjoy having that kind of power over children.
Interviewer: So, for instance, you may call offsides even if it isn’t actually offsides?
Jarod: Yes, for sure. First, I’ll find the parent who looks like he’d probably die if he played soccer for two minutes. He’s usually the guy screaming stuff like: “Kick it! Talk!" and "Show for him!” When his kid goes after anything, I basically just blow the whistle for offsides.
Interviewer: So you’re doing that to make parents like him angry?
Jarod: I’m actually hoping to kill him by giving him a heart attack or stroke. I feel like I’m getting pretty close with a couple of these guys, so I just keep trying.
Interviewer: What about other bullshit calls?
Jarod: Sometimes, I’ll just take bribes from people. For example, I’ll sleep with soccer moms. In the best case scenario, some kid’s mom has sex with me and pays me for it.
Interviewer: And then you give her son’s team favorable calls?
Jarod: No, I make the same bullshit calls, but it’s funnier, because the mom is sitting there on the sidelines thinking, “I fucked that dude and paid him twenty-seven dollars and he just called Hunter offsides! What the fuck?”
Interviewer: Do all refs do this kind of stuff?
Jarod: We have conventions where we go over this shit.
Interviewer: If I slept with you right now and gave you twenty-seven dollars, would you make calls in favor of my daughter in tomorrow’s game?
Jarod: The price has gone up to twenty-nine dollars, but yes.
Interviewer: And I can trust you?
From here the interview became uncomfortable for the interviewer and everything that happened next is off the record. But yes, the interviewer had sex with Jarod and paid him $29 and some change because Jarod claimed that his referee’s whistle was broken during sex. Brittany, the interviewer’s daughter, came to the game the next day and there was a totally different referee there, who made complete bullshit calls all game.
*It’s possible that this guy was a youth referee. Anything is possible.
** This sounded like a good number, so we went with it.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.