Secret Senate hearing questions alien space leader (partial transcript)

Recent U.S. Senate hearings are showing the American public that their congressional representatives will go to any length to find the truth. Like the hard-working scientists upon whom they bestow steady admiration, Senators hold hearings (as the name would suggest) in order to truly listen and learn from those they invite to their venerated chambers. 

Thursday’s hearing with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was a master course in how to ask pertinent questions, sit back, hear what the person you invited has to say, and then honestly attempt to understand his explanations. 

This positive, productive tone was on display at a closed door, secret Senate hearing, to which the Intergalactic Business Report obtained a partial transcript. In it, space alien leader Gorluck Fastidian fielded sincere and intellectually probing queries from earthlings we should be proud represent our species. Here it is:
 
SENATOR WARREN: Commander Fastidian, you are a vaccine denier and you support policies that would murder children and house pets while giving subsidies to the richest, most vile one percent of our population. I just want to say that you are NOT WELCOME on planet earth. We don’t have room for more hate here. 

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Thank you for having me here today, members of the United States Senate. I would like to explain that…

SENATOR WARREN: There’s nothing to explain. While we welcome all groups and people in our country, you came here from another place, in another part of the universe where you stand for things that are not O.K. with me or the American people.

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Excuse me, but I don’t understand. I came here in peace and to offer you the gift of technology and medicine and…

SENATOR WARREN: I don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard enough! I yield my time to Senator Sanders.

SENATOR SANDERS: Thank you, Senator Warren. You know, Commander Fastidian, you like to talk about capitalism as being the cure all for society…

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I’ve never said that… I don’t even understand what capitalism is…

SENATOR SANDERS: That’s right! You don’t understand what it is. What I believe in are common sense policies that help ordinary, hard-working Americans.
 
GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I think that sounds great. We are very intrigued by a partnership with Earth because…

SENATOR CASSADY: I’m gonna break in here for a moment and just say that when you say “partnership” I think what you really mean is that you’re gonna tell us what to do. Am I right? 

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: With all respect sir, that is not our intention…

SENATOR CASSADY: Our? OUR? Who’s that?

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: My, uh, people… We want peace and to share…

SENATOR WARREN: Share? That’s rich. You want to share? 

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Yes, we do. For instance, if you just listen, I can tell you how to cure cancer… It’s actually pretty simple…

SENATOR lUJAN: My turn! Let me tell you about sharing and cancer, Mr. Fastidian. In my district, people are dying from cancer. A little girl who happens to not have cancer came up to me the other day and gave me this trinket. She said to me please give this to Commander Fastidian as a gift from the children of our planet. But guess what? You don’t get that gift because I’ve decided you are BAD. Very very BAAAD.

SENATOR WYDEN: I agree. I mean, you are an evil creature who is also just a stupid asshole. I hate your entire race of whatever you are and I cast you out from our galaxy.

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: I don’t think you can do that. 

SENATOR WYDEN: I can do whatever I want. And so can the people of the United States and they don’t want what you’re selling!

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: They don’t want to have unlimited renewable energy, advanced medicines, and peace?

SENATOR WARNER: How can you be so ignorant? You should resign! You should resign right now. 

GORLUCK FASTIDIAN: Can I please just explain…?
​
ALL THE SENATORS (IN UNISON): NOOOOOOOOOO!
 
(END OF PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT)

Merch that would embarrass aliens