Secret sex news: sex bans that will go into effect soon around the world (because of us).

"Insex" will be banned soon in some countries.

The Intergalactic Business Report is pretty open when it comes to sex, but there are certain things we just can’t condone and want to eliminate even in the privacy of your own bedroom where we have no right to give a shit about what you’re doing.* 
 
Still, we heard that many oppressive regimes were totally cool with banning sex acts so we lobbied them to ban the stuff that bothered us most. Many creepy dictatorships were more than willing to implement our wishes, even though they often didn’t even understand what we were talking about. They were like, “Sex ban? Sure.” And then they just wrote a law.  Anyway, starting soon, the following will be banned in these nations:
 
COUNTRY: TAJIKISTAN.
BAN: Eye contact with John Stamos posters during sex.** 
 
COUNTRY: UNITED ARAB EMIRATES.
BAN: Moans that start with the “e” sound, like EEEEEGH and EEEEEEEEEEE!
 
COUNTRY: UGANDA.
BAN: Having Lego people in the room during sex.
 
COUNTRY: MYANMAR.
BAN: Saying, “good job” to your partner during or after sex.*** 
 
COUNTRY: SUDAN.
BAN: Pretending there is another person, who’s invisible, in the room with you and you’re having sex with him/her too.
 
COUNTRY: MALAYSIA.
BAN: Anything having to do with Nutella. 
 
COUNTRY: TURKMENISTAN.
BAN: Sounding like the Hawaiian Punch guy.
 
COUNTRY: YEMEN.
BAN: Saying the word, “biscuit” in any context.
 
COUNTRY: LAOS.
BAN: Referring to sex as “jamming.” 
 
COUNTRY: AZERBAIJAN.
BAN: Referring to anything as “jamming” or as something being “your jam.”
 
COUNTRY: CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC.
BAN: Wearing a backpack.
 
*Unless you’ve allowed us to install a web camera because you’re into that stuff.
**Also with Tony Danza posters (because he’s considered a demon in Tajikistan), although who has one of those? Mark this under, “just in case.”
*** There’s just something creepy about it.