You have hands and fingers and you touch things. Until recently, that was never a problem, but today the Intergalactic Business Report reveals a ground-breaking scientific study in which we took everyday objects and analyzed them for their level of grossness.
Before you touch anything else, read this.
THING YOU TOUCH: Television remote control.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: Equivalent of putting your entire hand inside your butt and waiting for a half hour before pulling it back out.
THING YOU TOUCH:Car steering wheel.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: This is like fondling a carney who’s been working all day at the ring toss.
THING YOU TOUCH: Other people’s hands.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: You may as well just skip the handshake and go lick their balls. But only if they dragged their balls across a prison bathroom floor first.
THING YOU TOUCH: Video game controllers.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: If you touch one of these it's the same as cleaning a state fair portajohn with no gloves and no cleaning solution and, instead, just improvising.
THING YOU TOUCH: Fruit.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: Even if you wash fruit, you need to understand that each piece has been touched, handled, groped, and maybe even penetrated and then sealed by people from all over the world. If your fruit passed through Japan, it’s almost 100% likely it was used in a fruit sex show before it got to your grocery store.
THING YOU TOUCH: Gas pumps.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: These futuristic-looking robot guns are not as cool as they seem, because they are often used as butt probes by gas station employees during their off hours and on the late shift.
THING YOU TOUCH: Your mobile phone.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: New scientific evidence proves that your phone is also a breeding ground for microscopic “feces insects” that literally shit on your fingers as you type and click and search for “fart noise” apps.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.