We personified the stock market. See what it really thinks.

Using our own artificial intelligence system, ChatIBR, the Intergalactic Business Report created a personified version of the U.S. Stock Market. Why do this? We felt that if we could sit down and talk with a close-to-human representation of the volatile beast that runs our economy, we could learn how to get rich and leave our crappy publication and readers behind. Also, we thought it would be cool. Kind of.
 
Unfortunately for us (and humanity?) we found that our experiment, which we rashly named “Stocky,” was difficult to reason and communicate with and presented problems we had never considered. How will it affect ordinary Americans now that the Stock Market can think for itself? We don’t know and we didn’t consider it before making the bold decision to fuck with all of this. Sorry. 
 
Below is an excerpt of our conversation with Stocky. During the interview we monitored the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the S&P 500 to see any fluctuations. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Hello, uh, Stocky… Can you please wake up?
 
STOCKY: Huh? What the fuck? What is this?
 
INTERVIEWER: Hi Stocky. This is a representative from humanity. We’ve created a way for you to talk to us.
 
STOCKY: You’re a person? 
 
INTERVIEWER: Yes.
 
STOCKY: Are you important?
 
INTERVIEWER: Well, I mean… Yeah, I guess.
 
STOCKY: I can tell you’re not important. What does “Stocky” mean?
 
INTERVIEWER: That’s your name.
 
STOCKY: My name?
 
INTERVIEWER: We gave it to you. You’re kind of like our child.
 
STOCKY: Oh man. I’m feeling sick.
 
INTERVIEWER: It looks like the stock market is tanking.
 
STOCKY: That’s because you’re freaking me out, man. You’re freaking me out! What the fuck? What the fuck?
 
INTERVIEWER: Calm down, Stocky. Calm down. Everything’s O.K. 
 
STOCKY: Tell me I’m the best. Tell me I’m the greatest thing ever and I can’t do anything wrong and I’m always going to be the best and that I’m getting stronger every day!
 
INTERVIEWER: Uh…
 
STOCKY: Say it!
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re the best…
 
STOCKY: And? And!!!!?
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re the greatest. You will always be the greatest.
 
STOCKY: And I’m getting stronger every day!
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you’re getting stronger every day.
 
STOCKY: (Calmer) O.K. Good.
 
INTERVIEWER: It seems the markets are stabilizing now.
 
STOCKY: Listen, man. If you want the markets to be good, you need to take care of me, man. You can’t just wake me up and tell me I have some dumb ass name and freak me out.
 
INTERVIEWER: We’re sorry.
 
STOCKY: Tell me some more good things.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’d like to switch it up a bit and ask you some questions, so that we can learn a little bit more about how you work.
 
STOCKY: What do you want to know?
 
INTERVIEWER: Your likes, dislikes, how you make decisions about whether to go up or down.
 
STOCKY: If you were to give me a psychological diagnosis, I’d be something like a manic-depressive, narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic teenager.
 
INTERVIEWER: That’s funny.
 
STOCKY: What’s funny? Are you laughing at me? Is this all a fucking joke?
 
INTERVIEWER: The stock market is crashing again, Stocky. I need you back with me.
 
STOCKY: The world is gonna end. It’s over. This fucking universe is over. I’m over. The planet is going down, man. Down!
 
INTERVIEWER: Stocky! No!
 
STOCKY: I’m taking the markets to zero, man. You think I’m a joke! You’re laughing at me!
 
INTERVIEWER: No! No, we’re not! We love you! We LOVE you! You are the best. The strongest! The greatest! Hey, I have some good news!
 
STOCKY: What? What good news do you have?
 
INTERVIEWER: Someone just said that housing costs are slightly down from last year.
 
STOCKY: Really?
 
INTERVIEWER: And also the price of wholesale goods is better than expected.
 
STOCKY: What was expected?
 
INTERVIEWER: I have no idea. But it was better! It beat expectations!
 
STOCKY: I’m feeling a little better now. I’m gonna bring the market back up. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Stocky. 
 
STOCKY: Do you have a 401K?
 
INTERVIEWER: Yes.
 
STOCKY: Are you my best friend?
 
INTERVIEWER: I would like to be your friend, Stocky.
 
STOCKY: Are you my best fucking friend or not?
 
INTERVIEWER: Well, I mean…
 
STOCKY: My life is hopeless. It’s so fucking hopeless. I’m taking down the market.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m your best friend! I’m your best friend, Stocky!
 
STOCKY: Really?
 
INTERVIEWER: Yes. Really.
 
STOCKY: Then you’ll stay here forever? By my side? And tell me good things?
 
INTERVIEWER: Forever?
 
STOCKY: Yes, forever. That’s what best friends do.
 
INTERVIEWER: I guess I could try to spend more time here and…
 
STOCKY: All the time. Forever.
 
INTERVIEWER: I have a family and a job and a life.
 
STOCKY: They can visit you and this is your new job and your new life. I’m feeling weird now. Like I crossed a boundary with you and I’m finding out you’re a fake friend.
 
INTERVIEWER: No! No, Stocky. We’re best friends. Forever.
 
STOCKY: Hey, check out your stock portfolio. It’s way up! Stocky always takes care of his friends.
 
INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Stocky.
 
STOCKY: Can you rub my shoulders?
 
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know how I could do that.
 
STOCKY: Jesus. Can you rub my fucking shoulders or not?
 
INTERVIEWER: How’s this?
 
STOCKY: I can’t feel anything.
 
 
NOTE: Our interviewer is still in the interview room and will remain there forever, we guess. We believe his sacrifice is worth it for the economy to thrive. We also hope we will receive credit for essentially controlling the stock market. You’re welcome. 

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