The Roast of Tom Brady: 15 jokes that didn’t make it in because we wrote them after.

Everybody’s talking about the Roast of Tom Brady, a live Netflix special in which ostensibly perfect human being Tom Brady is ridiculed and scorned by his friends, teammates, and random comedians who don’t know him. But it’s all done in love. Kind of like when a child molester has sex with you. 
 
After watching the riotously funny spectacle of humiliation, the Intergalactic Business Report began seeing reports of all the hi-larious jokes that didn’t make it into the roast, and we thought, shit, we may as well do that too, even though we never had any jokes considered for the event, probably because we have zero connections to the entertainment industry except for those of columnist Ed Mountaineer, who has sex with funnel cakes and stalks Ryan Reynolds. 
 
Replicating the subject matter and tenor of the roast, we offer, free of charge, a golden stream of quips, comments, and deadly zingers to include in the postpartum of the Tom Brady fever dream birthed on May 5th. Use them, abuse them, but don’t lose them:
 
1. Jeff Ross looks like a recruiter for a leper colony. 

2. Jeff Ross, you put the “ewww” in “jewww.” 

3. If Rob Gronkowski were a child molester, he’d be the kind that says, “Duh, you wanna get in my van?” And then the kid would drive off without him. 

4. It took Bert Kreischer six years to graduate from Florida State. Which is like trying to suck your own dick. You try every day for six years and can’t quite reach it and then somebody hands you a diploma and says, “Congratulations, you just graduated from Florida State.”    

5. Tony Hinchcliffe has the biggest podcast in the world? Did they change the definition of "podcast" to mean “desire to fuck men but says he’s straight?” 

6. Julian Edelman looks like a guy who’d watch Julian Edelman in a game and be like, “I think I could play in the NFL.” 

7. Andrew Schulz. Nice haircut. Is it to let the jizz run down the side of your head without getting in your hair? It’s like you have two Jizz Luges under your ears.  

8. Kevin Hart. Imagine if he were tall and white. He’d have the same name and when he spoke people would be like, “Why are you talking like an aggressive homeless person?” 

9. Kevin, why do you keep saying how great this show is going, during the show? Can you imagine what it’s like to have sex with Kevin Hart? It’d be like, “Wow. This is going so great. It’s amazing. I can’t believe how great this is. We’re gonna keep it going now. Wow. This is so successful. We’re definitely gonna do this again.”  

10. If Tom Brady didn’t have athletic ability, he’d be a real estate agent in the Bay Area and he’d have yoghurt and shit sitting on the kitchen island at the open house. And he’d forget the spoons. 

11. Isn’t it funny watching comedians who are divorced, date pornstars, and have STDs because they fucked nasty sluts from airport lounges talk about Tom’s 13-year marriage to a supermodel as if he’s a loser?  

12. Every one of these comics spent a month thinking, “Jujitsu, jujitsu… There’s gotta be a jizz joke in there somewhere. Oh wait! Gisele! Half of that name is jizz!” 

13. Niki Glaser. She’s a lot like that crazy slut who’ll have sex with anybody and then talk about it till you wonder if she’s doing it so when you say “God you’re a whore” she can be like, “I know. Let me tell you some more whore stories.”  Sorry, I mean that’s exactly her.  

14. Nikki Glaser is such a whore that if you asked her to suck your dick for money, she’d blow you, give you a twenty, and say, “I’ll get you the rest when I get paid for the Roast of Tom Brady.” 

​15. Just to recap. Tonight we told openly racist jokes, talked about Julian Edelman drinking Tom Brady’s cum, sex-shamed women, called a big retarded man retarded, and had a black midget yell at us for two hours. And we did it all in front of a packed arena of cheering goons. If Hitler had come out and done a set about how Rob Gronkowski was so bad at thinking he needed to be sent to a concentration camp, you would have pissed your pants laughing.   

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