Are you one of the few men in America who hasn’t named his penis? Or, even worse, have you tried to name it and found your choice ridiculed?
In this edition of “up for grabs” the Intergalactic Business Report offers free creative counsel on naming the most important member of your underwear household. As of press time, all ten of these original penis nicknames are available. Grab one now before everyone’s using them and you look like a fool.
1. Henry Dickhammer.
2. Dr. Joyce Cumming. (Replace “Joyce” with the name of whatever person you’re having sex with.)
3. Master Boner Thunderstick.
4. Lil’ Jimmy too soft.
5. Commander Jonathan Meatbringer.
6. Darryl Vaginadweller.
7. Ramses Holefinder.
8. Apocodick now.
9. Star Captain Eustace D. Porkensword.
10. Phil Ratuliak.
Alert: more adult domains up for grabs:
1. Assstuffers.com is available today. If you’d like to just stuff one ass, assstuffer.com (singular) can be yours for $27,000. We recommend saving money and stuffing multiple asses.
2. Go big, go small, but not tight. Bigbutthole.com is available. Smallbutthole.com is too. Unfortunately, tightbutthole.com is taken.
4. Treefuckers.com, treefucker.com, and treefuckers.com are all spoken for. Apparently, that’s a thing. But if you’re all right with being technical, treeholefuckers.com can be yours today.
5. Cryptozoological porn is an untapped market, as seen by the striking availability of both bigfootdick.com and yetihumper.com. Blaze a trail and snag these now before everyone starts humping yetis.
6. Buttlicker.com is available for about $10,000. We feel this may be a bargain, because it’s most likely that more and more people will lick butts in the next ten to twenty years.
7. Cock.com, cockcock.com, cockcockcock.com are taken, but if you can handle four cocks, cockcockcockcock.com is there for you.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.