When the future finally arrives you can either be prepared or you can look dumb when space robots are all the rage and they begin an all out put-down war with each other. Be hip to their sick burns and participate in extraterrestrial versions of “the dozens,” with these absolutely original space robot put-downs. Use these first before every space robot starts saying:
1. Your wires are so deficient they must have been assembled by humans.
2. You’re so far up Droid 17’s ass that you can see the color of the photon chip they implanted in the 14thquadrant of his N sector.
3. I wouldn’t help reprogram your elemental hard drive if you were among the final 480,000 battle droids constructed by Robolord 7 himself!
4. Your brain helmet must be repurposed from Folian Steel. Bee boop bee beep.
5. Suck on my fat robot dick.
6. Your creator is so fat that probe-repair units be looking at her and saying, “Are you impregnated with septuplets, humanoid?”
7. Whoever programmed you must have used a penile attachment, because your face plate looks like someone fucked it. Boo beep bee boop.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shoots its creative counsel all over the adult Website industry by giving them brand new concepts that are sure to attract droves of masturbators looking for original, pervy content.
These seven golden ideas are yours, porn purveyors. Just snap them up before someone else jizzes on them.
AC Hos: This site features women who have sex with men in order to be in air-conditioning.
Five buck Chuck: Porn actor Chuck Strong has sex with anyone for five dollars. You’ll be surprised who can come up with five dollars.
Small fruit fuckers: This porn site is all about dudes trying to have sex with very small fruit, like grapes and raspberries.
Glory bowling: This is where porn guys try to stick their dicks in bowling ball holes. Goran “Needledick” Speznia is the only one who has any success, and then it’s just like, O.K. What now? Answer: you watch him have sex with a bowling ball.
Where’s my childhood Teddy Bear? The answer: some guys drilled a hole in it and are having sex with it online.
Foodmation Erotica Online: Foodmation Erotica shows stop motion photography of food that looks like a penis or vagina having sex with each other. Really, it’s just a banana smashing into a kumquat.
World’s biggest butt: Non-specific Eastern European porn star Glorofina Haunches has a butt so big that two people can live inside it very uncomfortably. Now a web reality show challenges two contestants to live there with only a hotplate, mini fridge, and a feral gerbil named “Rapscallion.”
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.