Andrew and Tristan Tate. 16-year-old boys are into them, but not in that way. The Tate bros have built a social media/cam girl/online ed empire based in Romania, where they are currently under house arrest for… We don’t even know because we’re not 16 and don’t care about “personal responsibility” and “getting off our asses” and “being rich.”
Despite all that, the Intergalactic Business Report pitches ten awesome reality show ideas for the bros, all with built-in ratings and almost guaranteed second-season buys. Tates, take a look, these are all free for now, so hop on them soon… Concept one: “Tater Tots.” Andrew Tate has said he wants “25 children.” A new series called “Tater Tots” shows his progeny fight for physical and mental dominance over their father and his uncle, who are eventually put in an oppressive retirement home where they must break out and prevent Tater Tots Cyril and Sinjin from microwaving a homeless man. Concept two: “Impractical strokers.” Andrew Tate bears a striking resemblance to “Murr” from Impractical Jokers, if Murr were huge and got laid all the time. A “crossover” show has the two men switching lives for a month. Murr must manage the Tate empire while dating models and driving supercars, while Tate must wear wooden bowties and ask New Yorkers if their tongues fit in their mouths. When the time comes to return to their normal lives, they are given a choice to switch for good, fight to the death, or have sex with each other. Concept three: “Bottom G.” Andrew Tate is known as “Top G.” A new show, called “Bottom G” is about dudes who want him to have sex with him. Concept four: “Hot Bunny.” Tristan Tate is kind of like if Andrew Tate were Bugs Bunny when he dresses up like a woman and you think he’s kind of hot and then you’re like, how do I think a cartoon rabbit is hot? We don’t know where we’re going with this one, but maybe a cartoon where Andrew Tate dresses up like his brother to get out of shit. Like, for instance, they’re in Romanian prison and Andrew disguises as his “brother” and then tricks the guards into letting him out? And the guards are all drooling and doing that thing where they put their finger on their lips and move it up and down rapidly to make a “motor boat” sound. Concept five: “Tate Times One.” Following up on number four (above), we find out that the Tate brothers are actually just one guy. Concept six: “The Real Real World.” The Tate bros offer a business program called “the Real World,” to whoever would pay for that. A new reality series takes former “Real World” stars and makes them live in a house with the Tates, who have sex with them. Concept seven: “Hey, Tate Bros. You Come To Dees Country. You Like.” Scary eastern European countries compete to have the Tate brothers move to their fucked up, almost failed states in a bid to increase tourism and whatever the Tate brothers do when they live in your country. Concept eight: “Hello Larry.” Bewitched advertising president Larry Tate shows up in Romania to discipline his long-lost nephews and teach them how to love again. Concept nine: “United Tates of America.” “United Tates of America” is where the Tate brothers road trip across the U.S. and tell people how much their antiques are worth, even though they’re just guessing. Maybe they also go to roadside diners and eat huge burgers and say stuff like, “Now THIS is a burger!” and point down at it and then chomp into it again. After that, they shake their heads as if to say, “You’ve gotta be kidding me with this amazing burger.” Reat esTATE bros. The Tates move to HGTV and help American homebuyers by showing them multi-million-dollar estates they can’t afford. When their clients ask why they would need a twenty-car garage, Andrew says something like, “What you NEED is a fifty car garage.” And then they just kind of go on to the next room in the house, which looks like somewhere Sadam Hussein would live. |
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