Sick of Hallmark movies? Four Christmas reality shows that will light the holidays on fire next year.
By now, most Americans are sick of Christmas television programming featuring romantic storylines and tales of holiday wishes coming true. After holding back for several years, hoping networks would come up with it on their own, the Intergalactic Business Report finally gives up and tells the entertainment industry, for free, what they really should be doing. What is that, you ask meekly? We’ll tell you. Hardcore Xmas reality shows. We list some of our best concepts below. Oh. You’re welcome.
The hunt for the real Santa Claus.
In this limited series, hosted by Luiz Guzman, teams of Santa hunters scour the globe for the location of the actual Santa Claus. Following leads by unintelligible old villagers, rune stones, and shit they find on the internet, each episode pumps up viewers to expect that there will be an imminent capture of a crusty, ancient man, who may or may not be St. Nick. In the end, it doesn’t matter if they find him, because the chases and takedowns of innocent Santa suspects is worth the ride.
Stripper elves: Atlanta.
This Xmas (get it?) Santa’s elves are for hire and this time they’re adult performers. Get in on the action as NBA players and music artists crowd pop-up holiday-themed strip clubs and spend like 250K on lap dances. We follow elves Delmira, Fuscia, and Success as they navigate the crazy world of manufactured situations involving them stripping for money.
4,000 pound Christmas.
Starring 10 random overweight people, 4k lb Xmas is not a weight loss show but a weight gain show. Two teams compete to see if they can overindulge enough on the holidays to break the scales at four thousand pounds. Will the team from Wisconsin be able to engulf enough cheese, jerky, and beer to attain victory, or will those fat asses from the Bronx do it again with all those calzones and cannoli? It’s anyone’s game (if you’re super fat and would actually do this, which, you’d be surprised, a lot of people will).
Bugs ate my brain (on Christmas)
This horrifying reality series focuses on people with deadly diseases where invasive species eat them from the inside out. And it takes place at Christmas.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.