Attention Hollywood: New serial “killer” concepts you can use today.

Like the mother of a teenage girl who dresses like her daughter, the entertainment industry longs to copy coolness despite the whispers of those wondering who the old lady in jorts is. Every original plot, production, and idea is recycled like a once high-fashion concept now hanging on a rack at Walmart. Too dramatic? Maybe that’s the point, or maybe we just felt like creating dumb metaphors that go nowhere. In any case, we wrote this article to offer fresh ideas, free of charge, for how to reimagine one of the most beaten-to-death clichés we see on television and in movies: the serial killer.
 
The remorseless killing machine needs a new look—one that speaks to our age and sensibilities. Below, we offer six totally original serial “killer” profiles we hope you’ll adopt. Choose these, and don’t lose these:
 
Six new serial killer concepts Hollywood can start using today:
 
1. Non-binary Brian. Non-binary Brian is more concerned with being misgendered than murdering your ass. That’s what makes him so unpredictable and horrifying. His name is Brian. So… Do you call him “he”? Who knows, because Brian doesn’t tell you his pronouns. Better get them right or they/he/she will choose the way you/it/they dies and it will be good/bad/neutral.  

2. The “hugger.” What’s that noise? It must have been nothing. Wait, I definitely heard something. I’m going to go check it out. Nope. Nothing behind that couch. And then… Wham! Someone’s hugging you. Hard. Not so much that it will kill you but hard enough that you feel the full embrace of a madman. Once he’s exhausted his emotional connection to you, he releases and leaves your house, going on to the next one. Will he hug everyone in the neighborhood? Or will the police put him down? You decide.  

3. The “flasher.” While this serial killer doesn’t actually kill anyone, he wears a raincoat, approaches his victims, and then “flashes” his naked body. It’s pretty terrifying because he’s not in great shape so it’s not like a male stripper doing it. Instead, we just see some fat rolls and a dick. Try to sleep at night after seeing this.  

4. Tish, the goldfish. Tish is an actual goldfish who has sinister thoughts about the people who feed and care for her. She bides her time and hopes to one day be able to “swim” through the air and murder her captors. She’s physically unable to do that of course, but she’s a fish, so she has no idea.  

5. Big Jake, burly buttfucker. Jake’s main goal is to find you, have sex with you, and that’s about it. But in a twist, he only seeks out people on dating apps like Grindr, and he doesn’t kill anyone. Instead, he finds totally willing sex partners who are into it. The true terror comes when you discover you’ve matched with him and you are into it.  

6. The “contractor.” Burt Jacobs is a guy you hire to remodel your home, but he’s actually a serial killer—of houses. Making this ripe for a spinoff on HGTV, Burt takes domiciles in need and wrecks them beyond repair, making them unrecognizable with unfashionable fixtures and hardware and partitioning rooms so they are claustrophobic, “closed concept,” and impossible for homeowners to prepare meals AND watch their kids at the same time. Also, the layout is terrible for entertaining.  

Killer tees