Best Dry January activities you can do sober.

It’s everybody’s favorite time of the year when after a brutally fun holiday season of drinking too much and telling friends and family how much you love them while almost pissing yourself, you turn into a grim teetotaler who now brags about your sobriety. 
 
Dry January has long been an area of concern for the Intergalactic Business Report, but this year, we try in earnest to reconcile our differences with the month-long “thirst strike” that captures people like you who just want to detox and chill. With this in mind, we offer you 12 amazing activities that will help you thrive during this challenging time.
 
12 Dry January activities you can do this month.
 
1. Just sit there—really sit there. And think about all the stuff you regret. It’s a long list, but you have a whole month. 

2. Drink non-alcoholic beer and tell everyone that it’s actually really really good. Then write a suicide note and keep it ready.  

3. Wake up and tell whoever’s next to you that you feel so great because you don’t have a hangover. Then recall what it was like last night when you had totally sober sex and it felt like you were exercising at a gym where someone really annoying talks to you the whole time and you realize you hate them but there’s only a few minutes left of your workout, so you just keep going.  

4. Reconnect with old friends by inviting them out for mocktails that are like 1,000 calories and make your fat ass look fatter with each sip. Feel the sobriety as you drink more, get fatter, and truly understand the pain of reality in all its fullness. 

5. Play Pickleball. 

6. Get super religious and go to church multiple days of the week. Get to know priests and pastors and all the people who make the place run. Look up at the crucifix and Jesus and start praying for the month to end.  

7. Focus on “Wet as Fuck February” like it’s your fiancé and you’re in a World War Two Japanese prison camp. 

8. Find pleasure in replacing your uninhibited drunkenness with whacking off on freeway overpasses.  

9. Harness your imagination and creativity by pretending you’re a zoo animal. Then throw feces at people, possibly on a freeway overpass (see above). 

10. Pretend to be really really drunk, and giggle about how stupid drinking is. Then act even more drunk and laugh out loud and how absurd being drunk is. Then laugh louder, till you begin crying and someone asks you what’s wrong and you tell them it’s because you’re drunk. 

11. Figure out how to perfectly draw your penis on an Etch A Sketch. Then shake the fuck out of that thing and start over till it’s February first. 

12. Wear nipple clamps so tight you can’t get them off and that’s all you worry about. Schedule a doctor’s appointment for February first to have them removed.  

Wet tee shirts