Hey Hollywood, gamble on these radically different Christmas concepts.

Believe it or not, there once was a dearth of Christmas movies. Children would watch yuletide stop motion animation puppets creepily dance on t.v. and families would wait for classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” to air. Fast forward to today and whole channels are devoted to Christmas movies that are churned out faster than pornos (and with, we think, the same actors). 
 
As the Christmas movie evolves, the entertainment industry is clearly running out of original concepts. At first, it was enough to have a snarky executive woman who doesn’t have time for the holidays (or love) who finds a lumberjack stud who convinces her to give up her career and live with him in Christmas Town. There were also supernatural plots about ordinary people transforming into Santa, special forces Elves, and painful pseudo-scientific explanations for how Kris Kringle could go around the world in one night and deliver presents to children without their parents saying, what the fuck is this? I didn’t buy this. Where the fuck did this come from? We can’t keep this. 
 
We’ve reached a point at which Hollywood and Hallmark have essentially given up as they desperately seek new ideas but must fall back on their staple stories of vague Xmas cheer and romance that, in real life, would end in the worst kind of buyer’s remorse come January. Because the industry so clearly needs a boost, the Intergalactic Business Report, as it always does, comes to the rescue with six brand new original concepts that will maintain the genre for another year, at least. 
 
Six wild new Christmas concepts to save the holiday movie industry.
 
Get ready for these wild, soon-to-be classics. Grab them now, before all the other cool industry executives snatch titles like:
 
A Crack baby Christmas.
What if Jesus were a crack baby? And an evil drug dealer named Herod, wanted him eliminated? That’s what happens in a “Crack Baby Christmas” as Jesus’s illegitimate parents look for a place to birth him. Wait. Look at that motel called “the Manger.” So great, right?
 
Christmas in Santa’s Butt.
When Elves Mercury and Chiffon raise the ire of a snow dragon, they hide in Santa Claus’s enormous butt. When the snow dragon arrives at the North Pole and demands answers, Santa acts like he doesn’t know where they are. The dragon, who doesn’t totally buy the story, asks if he can stay the night because it’s late and there’s a blizzard. Santa says O.K. because he has to play along to protect the Elves in his butt. The only problem is it’s Christmas Eve and Santa must deliver gifts around the world and there’s no way he can hold two elves in his butt while he’s doing it. This is a comedy (lots of funny scenes where Santa has to fart, but he holds it so the elves don’t blow out of his ass) but it also has a lot of serious scenes and a closing message about how if you’re over 40 you should get a colonoscopy.
 
A Meth and Porn Christmas.
Bongo is a meth head who watches a lot of porn. And it’s Christmas. 
 
A Dumpy Christmas.
Santa’s had enough of ungrateful children who don’t believe in Christmas, so he decides to come down chimneys and take steaming dumps on people’s living room floors. When he poops on a priceless Persian rug, he has second thoughts because a cute kitten is sitting on it and stares at him as he squeezes one out. It’s awkward, as if the cat is judging him. But it’s too late to stop so Santa completes his dump and moves on to the next home. 
 
Ya ya yah! Iz Chrissmazzz!
All-American looking actors fake like they are non-descript but stereotypical “foreigners” and speak a gibberish language that sounds like they aren’t from a good country. Then they celebrate Christmas with traditions that are made up but relatable in the sense that you can tell they’re trying to do Christmas stuff but in a super foreign way. At one point, they play soccer with a baby Jesus doll, which seems offensive till they eat it and then you’re really offended. Starring Mario Lopez and Kirsten Dunst.
 
Alien Spaceship Landing: Christmas Edition.
Even though there are no other editions of “Alien Spaceship Landing” there’s this one about Christmas. As the residents of Pauly Shores get ready for the holiday, a large spacecraft descends on their town, blocking all communication with the outside world, including WIFI and radio waves. At first, there’s panic. Then the townspeople begin to see that Christmas is much more wonderful when the distractions of modern life are gone. Children play in the park and build snowmen and families tell stories by their roaring fireplaces. Stores are closed, and gifts must be handmade and thoughtful. It’s the best Christmas ever, till the aliens annihilate everyone in a cold, overwhelming heat blast that leaves no survivors.

Tees that will radically change your Christmas