Last names if last names were being assigned right now.

​Once upon a time, Shoemakers made shoes and Smiths pounded metal. Coopers made barrels and Johnsons had huge penises. Our last names told us who we were and what we did, but now they're irrelevant to today’s world and professions. To remedy this, the Intergalactic Business Report assigns completely new last names that finally fit our current society. Take whichever one suits you best, Kent Basementdweller. 
 
 
Jeff Coffeemaker.
 
Eric Dataprocesser.
 
Susan Tinderhooker.
 
Brian Cryptoasshole. 
 
Aurelio Cantstoplookingatyourballs.
 
Florence Solarsales.
 
Pradip Canigetyournummer.
 
Sunny Bustanut.
 
Jarred Daytrader.
 
Carl Undiagnosedpersonalitydisorder.
 
Ruben Doomscroller.
 
Brie Foodpicshooter.
 
Randall Fantasysportsman.
 
Drew Incel.
 
Deborah Influencer.
 
Samuel Creatine. 

Todd Buyourmerch