When the future finally arrives you can either be prepared or you can look dumb when space robots are all the rage and they begin an all out put-down war with each other. Be hip to their sick burns and participate in extraterrestrial versions of “the dozens,” with these absolutely original space robot put-downs. Use these first before every space robot starts saying:
1. Your wires are so deficient they must have been assembled by humans.
2. You’re so far up Droid 17’s ass that you can see the color of the photon chip they implanted in the 14thquadrant of his N sector.
3. I wouldn’t help reprogram your elemental hard drive if you were among the final 480,000 battle droids constructed by Robolord 7 himself!
4. Your brain helmet must be repurposed from Folian Steel. Bee boop bee beep.
5. Suck on my fat robot dick.
6. Your creator is so fat that probe-repair units be looking at her and saying, “Are you impregnated with septuplets, humanoid?”
7. Whoever programmed you must have used a penile attachment, because your face plate looks like someone fucked it. Boo beep bee boop.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shoots its creative counsel all over the adult Website industry by giving them brand new concepts that are sure to attract droves of masturbators looking for original, pervy content.
These seven golden ideas are yours, porn purveyors. Just snap them up before someone else jizzes on them.
AC Hos: This site features women who have sex with men in order to be in air-conditioning.
Five buck Chuck: Porn actor Chuck Strong has sex with anyone for five dollars. You’ll be surprised who can come up with five dollars.
Small fruit fuckers: This porn site is all about dudes trying to have sex with very small fruit, like grapes and raspberries.
Glory bowling: This is where porn guys try to stick their dicks in bowling ball holes. Goran “Needledick” Speznia is the only one who has any success, and then it’s just like, O.K. What now? Answer: you watch him have sex with a bowling ball.
Where’s my childhood Teddy Bear? The answer: some guys drilled a hole in it and are having sex with it online.
Foodmation Erotica Online: Foodmation Erotica shows stop motion photography of food that looks like a penis or vagina having sex with each other. Really, it’s just a banana smashing into a kumquat.
World’s biggest butt: Non-specific Eastern European porn star Glorofina Haunches has a butt so big that two people can live inside it very uncomfortably. Now a web reality show challenges two contestants to live there with only a hotplate, mini fridge, and a feral gerbil named “Rapscallion.”
Let’s face it. Comedians are like old people who show up to the doctor’s office just so they can talk to someone and get touched. But instead of a doctor’s office, they have a stage, where you have to sit there and watch them talk about every inch of their lives.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report helps this population of needy talkers by giving them free titles for their upcoming comedy specials. How does it work? First, get signed to do a comedy special. Next, make a title for it by using your name, a colon, and what we’ve written below. Pretty soon, people coast to coast will be watching you complain about your life. Enjoy.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Inside my snatch.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: A Mexican werewolf ate my funniness.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me take a dump on anything positive.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m not doing this to be funny. I’m actually just a huge dick and this is the only way I can be me without people actually killing me.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: The prick you have over for dinner and laugh at his jokes because you hate conflict.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m an actor now. So I’m only half funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Are you uncomfortable yet?
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me explain how I’m a broken person and also how that’s somehow funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m acting all funny now, but if you try to talk to me in a bar later, I’ll tell you to fuck off.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in. Ha ha. Listen to my funny jokes now.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I sucked dick to be here.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Laugh at me before I become the next Hitler.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m weird in bed. Let me tell you about it.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I think I’m kind of like a philosopher because I don’t know what philosophy is.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Comedians are more annoying than actors. This is my proof.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I did something funny when I was nine and some adults laughed at it. Now you have to pay for their stupidity.
After millions* of requests for more penis names we’ve unlocked our secret vault of man meat monikers. Look, choose, and name your member before everyone else starts calling theirs:
Sir Gerald Dickenstein.
Commodore Richard St. Muffstuffer.
The First Earl of Vansexbehaving.
Bernard Lil’ Shank.
Borgag the Slender.
Lothar the Short, but also thick so that’s like being big even though people measure length and not girth, but they should.
*Zero requests, actually, but we ran out of shit to do.
Looking for the next great show that will change the way we all think about and view television? The Intergalactic Business Report offers t.v. producers six totally free ideas they can use to alter small screen entertainment for the next decade. You’re welcome.
IDEA ONE: In the future, only toilets can talk. Humans are silent slaves and must spend their days feeding their toilet masters with poop and pee. But when human Brittany and toilet overlord Toby form a forbidden friendship, the entire social order is in store for upheaval. During their secret, tender talks, Toby reveals that he wishes he had hands and limbs like Brittany, and Brittany shares that she wishes she were a porcelain hole that people shit into, proving that opposites attract. (Note: Live action, not animated.)
IDEA TWO: Get ready for a whole new version of the wild west, as two best pal dogs decide to recreate the shootout at the O.K. Corral using their owners’ guns. With no opposable thumbs or firearms training, this pair of scruffy mutts will be challenged to pull the trigger on fun and your heart.
IDEA THREE: Getting a new roommate can be scary, but when Tex and Louis are made to share a room on a deep sea oil rig, let the terror begin. Tex has anger issues he never resolved and after being kicked out of the French Foreign Legion, he found solace on the distant rig. That solace is in jeopardy however, when loud and crazy Louis invades his personal space and his heart in this zany murder mystery about how Louis is murdered by Tex on their first day as roommates. Who dunn it? Tex.
IDEA FOUR: It’s prom night for Lucy Delavere and she’s prepared to finally give it up to her hunky boyfriend, Edwin St. Lucas. What she doesn’t know is that Ed is a male prostitute who gives it up to anyone for forty-seven dollars (the amount of money his estranged father left him for his sixteenth birthday before abandoning the family). Also, Edwin’s penis is made of ripple ice cream, a curse put on him by a 19th century witch.
IDEA FIVE: Every morning at 5:00 a.m. Marcus Lanfield must collect all the dead cats from the neighborhood and put them in his mentor, Larry Butts’, van. He has a sneaking suspicion that Larry is the one killing the cats, but he has sworn a blood oath to Larry that he will never question or betray him in any way after losing a popashot basketball game to him earlier in the summer. Will Marcus tell his police chief dad what’s going on, or will he continue to hold séances with Larry to bring back the cats?
IDEA SIX: Football is tough. And it’s even tougher when you're a space alien playing on a top high school team and you don’t have human legs. Can spider creature Gorax 6 prevail by “thinking” his way through the championship season coming up for the Golden Cats? Or will he eliminate the senior class by poisoning them with space liquid?
As we enter wedding season, be prepared for someone being dumb enough to allow you to try to speak meaningfully in front of people in rented tuxedos and dresses they’re never going to wear or fit into again after you’ve been drinking all afternoon.
Instead of trying to use your mouth hole to say something original, just use any of these easy to say, short, simple, and never before used wedding toasts that are designed to be recited in any wedding anywhere. Use them now before everyone else does.
TOAST ONE: “Mandy and Jeff… I just want to say that the sex tape you let me make of you changed my life because I had to learn how to hide behind curtains and film at the same time. Now I hide behind curtains all the time and it’s no big deal. Also, you didn’t know I made a sex tape of you. I can see that now by your reactions. So, when I said that you let me make a sex tape of you, that was kind of a lie. Congratulations on being married! When I upload the footage to the internet, I’m going to post something about what a “hot married couple” you are instead of what I had before, which was “skanky hooker goes down on hairy fat dude.”
TOAST TWO: “The union, of Mandy and Jeff, is on the climb… It’s gonna race, it’s gonna break, it’s gonna move up to the borderline…” (Then just sit down and stop talking.)
TOAST THREE: “I know I’m a little drunk, so I thought I’d just play with myself instead of talk because that’s what I’m good at.”
TOAST FOUR: “When Jeff said he was getting married to Mandy, I thought that meant he was gay since Mandy looked like a guy. Then he told me that Mandy wasn’t a guy and I was like, Really? Are you sure? Anyway, congratulations, guys. I mean, congratulations guy and girl.”
TOAST FIVE: “I want to start by saying I’m sorry I told Mandy that I thought Jeff was a male prostitute when I first met him. I just want to clear the air about that. I tried to pay Jeff for sex. Yes, that’s true. But he would not accept money for it. So, sorry about the mixup, Mandy.”
Constant scandals about online universities are driving more and more of them into oblivion. So, maybe it’s the perfect time to start your own. The number one thing you’ll need to start a shady cyber academic institution? A cool sounding name that makes it seem like you’re legit. Too stupid to come up with your own? Don’t worry. We have you covered.
1. Hardvard. Like Harvard, only harder. (Only it isn’t, because it’s a fake university.)
2. Ye Olde Fancy College.
3. Arizona State University.
4. Oxfart. Like Oxford, only with a fart in it.
5. Y’all University. Yale, only it’s located in Alabama. At least the computer servers are.
6. Notre Damn. As in, “Damn, I paid 20 grand for a fake diploma?”
If you’ve watched a movie in the last eight years, you know there are now more fake superheroes than humans on Earth. To compensate for this rising population, the Intergalactic Business Report offers 7 never-been-used names and backstories that you can have today. For free… So go name yourself:
Shitstorm. Unable to hold back his own farts, Barry Standish finds shame in his lack of control, which often leads to him destroying his pants and harming bystanders. But when an ancient priest from the future meets him in an adult potty training center his parents have imprisoned him in, Barry learns that his shame is also his greatest strength.
Boombox. In the 80’s, Steve Lindstrom’s uncle Ron gets him a sick boom box that has unearthly powers from a drug deal gone wrong to a voodoo priest where the box became covered in magic cocaine. Now named Boombox by his street friends, Steve blasts his portable stereo and begins his signature break dance moves. As the music grooves, he transforms into a frenetic freak whose energy level is “higher” than his enemies. Will he kick their asses before the music stops?
Reacharound. Ben Hannon was the least limber kid at Central High until he joined an elite underground cult that taught him the ability to stretch better than 35% of the student body. Now Moofafa, the cult leader, asks Ben to use his new powers to learn a move called the “reacharound,” which he promises will bring him fame, power, and a new, part-time boyfriend.
Halfass. When Trent Abraham goes out at night he likes to “kick it,” donkey style. This part- donkey part-man is a handful for his opponents, especially when he employs his deadly “donkey punch.”
Phil Ratuliak. Sir Philip Exeter is a gentleman and country squire, until an ancient evil rips away his refinement and good taste while he is in America studying at Michigan State University. Say goodbye to Sir Phillip and hello to Phil Ratuliak, a communications major from Livonia.
The Overeater. One meal is not enough for Jeffrey Steelson, who eats dinner, dessert, and then another meal later, sometimes from Taco Bell. Pushing the limits of good eating habits and a healthful diet, Jeff is able to gain five pounds a day for several days, till he looks fatter than shit and notices he has double chins. What does he do next? He eats more.
Skankmagnet. Drew Little never got play. Until he was trapped in a cage with a gorilla who taught him the secret to getting women. Now Drew turns on a special radar invented by his mighty friend and is able to locate the skankiest women (and men) on the planet. But when he turns off his device, he is hunted by deadly assassins. So he just keeps it on all the time and is surrounded by skanks.
Let’s face it. All of us have a psychological disorder that has yet to be diagnosed. Today the Intergalactic Business Report reveals five new ones that aren’t approved by that book that tells you what disorders there are. Feel free to use these before everyone else does.
Can’t do my laundry without assistance disorder. A desperate feeling of being unable to do one’s own laundry without almost total assistance from someone else. “Total assistance” would mean the other person does the laundry while you just sit there or go do something else.
You talking phobic. This is when you can’t listen to someone else’s (usually a particular person’s) shit without wanting to put your hands over your ears and roll around on the ground in anguish. The quick treatment for this phobia is for the other person to just shut the fuck up immediately and probably never speak to you again.
Can’t stop looking at your breasts syndrome. This debilitating disorder is manifested when someone speaks with a woman who has large breasts and he cannot avert his gaze from her boob area, even if he wanted to.
Can’t go to work today disorder. This is the crushing inability to have the desire to show up to work. This can be brought on by a massive hangover or your boss’s face, which may actually be the main cause of this. A solution may be to either work from home permanently or have your boss alter his face either through extreme plastic surgery or by wearing a mask or bag over his head.
Casual Tourette Syndrome. Unlike regular Tourette Syndrome, this is when someone says offensive shit only when he feels like it.
Up for grabs gives you seven never before used interior design styles. Go ahead and take them before they’re all the rage. You’ve heard of French Country and Shabby Chic, but have you heard of:
Redneck Furbaby. Couches with holes that are filled in with dog hair.
Unemployed waiter. A reclining chair with drink holders and a t.v.
Mid-century Italian-American. Spaghetti sauce stains on walls and a wife beater draped over a kitchen table chair that people turn around to sit in.
Irish minimalism. A bottle of whiskey in an otherwise empty room.
My house just got robbed. Random shit thrown all over the floor, urine stains on the couch, open refrigerator doors, and an anarchy symbol spray-painted on the wall.
Crack house luxe. A stained looking mattress with no sheets but it costs twenty thousand dollars.
Grandma got evicted. A distressed rocking chair and some Christmas cookies poured over the floor.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.