Nobody is more tuned in to youth culture than the Intergalactic Business Report. We live “youthy” and are devoted to what’s happening on the streets, playgrounds, and smoking sections of high schools. 
 
Want to be part of the “in” crowd at your ska (youth term for “school”)? Or maybe you’re an adult who wants to connect with the younger bros and bras? We unveil eleven new, never been used, “cool” terms, young people (or you) can start using today.
 
 
1. “Beef my steak.” Basically, this just means “turn up the volume,” or “raise the stakes.” 

2. “Trusty!” Meaning this is trusted, and true. I believe in this.  

3. “Flame it, bro!” Said when lighting farts, which is going to come back soon.
 
4. Having a “double butthole.” Said about eating so much that you need two buttholes to manage all the bowel movements you will surely have soon. 

5. “I’ve got to burp.” “I am leaving now, and not in a good way.” 

6. “Break that corndog off in my ass, brah…” This means, “I’m not hungry. You can eat whatever’s left.”
 
7. “Frnnnth!” Said to show massive enthusiasm.  

8. “Shitshorts.” Pants or underwear you’ve shit in. 

9. “Tough mutton, girlfriend!” Means that your boobs are showing.
 
10. “Treats!” This is said when you want to get someone’s attention, like a dog. 
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11. “Bajesus!” Exclamation to use constantly, in any context, for any reason, till you just kind of say it all the time and forget why and can’t stop.

Are you one of the few men in America who hasn’t named his penis? Or, even worse, have you tried to name it and found your choice ridiculed? 
 
In this edition of “up for grabs” the Intergalactic Business Report offers free creative counsel on naming the most important member of your underwear household. As of press time, all ten of these original penis nicknames are available. Grab one now before everyone’s using them and you look like a fool.
 
1. Henry Dickhammer. 

2. Dr. Joyce Cumming. (Replace “Joyce” with the name of whatever person you’re having sex with.) 

3. Master Boner Thunderstick. 

4. Lil’ Jimmy too soft. 

5. Commander Jonathan Meatbringer. 

6. Darryl Vaginadweller. 

7. Ramses Holefinder.
 
8. Apocodick now. 

9. Star Captain Eustace D. Porkensword. 
 
10. Phil Ratuliak.

Alert: more adult domains up for grabs:
 
1. Assstuffers.com is available today. If you’d like to just stuff one ass, assstuffer.com (singular) can be yours for $27,000. We recommend saving money and stuffing multiple asses. 

2. Go big, go small, but not tight. Bigbutthole.com is available. Smallbutthole.com is too. Unfortunately, tightbutthole.com is taken.
 
4. Treefuckers.com, treefucker.com, and treefuckers.com are all spoken for. Apparently, that’s a thing. But if you’re all right with being technical, treeholefuckers.com can be yours today. 

5. Cryptozoological porn is an untapped market, as seen by the striking availability of both bigfootdick.com and yetihumper.com. Blaze a trail and snag these now before everyone starts humping yetis. 
  
6. Buttlicker.com is available for about $10,000. We feel this may be a bargain, because it’s most likely that more and more people will lick butts in the next ten to twenty years. 

7. Cock.com, cockcock.com, cockcockcock.com are taken, but if you can handle four cocks, cockcockcockcock.com is there for you.

Don’t underestimate the total apocalypse your work rivals will face when you brand the shit out of yourself – personally. Up for a promotion? Fuck that other guy by going with a cool nickname to endear yourself to the boss and every other office fool who engages you daily. 
 
Intense research, aided by our proprietary computer program, has generated four nicknames that are not used by anyone in the world… Until you make use of them tomorrow when you announce yourself as:
 
1. The Schniz. Believe it or not, this nickname is not to be used because your full name is Schnizowski or Schnizzelstein. Instead, this name suggests a back story that no one quite understands but will probably laugh about, like an idiot who doesn’t know why he’s laughing. When people ask you why they call you “the Schniz,” you just tell them: “well, it has to do with me getting fucked by a sausage. But it’s a long story!” 
 
2. Lil’ Grover. Like the muppet, only smaller. That’s you now.
 
3. Big Banana Jammer. Like a banana jammer, only much larger. 

4. Schpuck. It’s not taken. That’s all we can say about this one. 

5. The Mellon Reamer. The “melon reamer” is actually taken by a guy name Paul Jaworski in Dixon Minnesota. But if you add another “l” to “mellon” it’s like a whole new nickname. Your welcome.

Own a bar? Well, you’re stupid, because it’s the worst business anyone can ever have. But you probably heard that already, about a million times, just before you decided to be a total idiot and go into the “bar business.” 
 
The only good news about your horrible decision is that the Intergalactic Business Report can turn your dumbness slightly around by granting you a superior name for your crap infested shithole. 
 
These four winners have been scientifically chosen to turn you from total disaster to just a guy who owns a crappy bar – with an awesome name.
 
1. The Beaver Hole. This Oregon-themed title will give you street cred with lumberjacks and also make people think it’s a strip club. Watch all those disappointed faces enter your place of business and feel obliged to order a drink. You did it.
  
2. Big Dick’s Big Dick Bar. That’s correct, you get to be known as “Big Dick.” Great, right? And by saying that it’s a “big dick” bar, you will attract big dicks to come there. Score. 

3. The Buggery. Like the famous “Snuggery” in Chicago, this is kind of like that. Except that it’s British slang for buttfucking. 
 
4. The Snatch Factory. Kind of like the Beaver Hole (above) except the people you’ll attract will be much much worse. And they probably won’t order a drink. Hey, it’s number four on the list. You can’t expect too much.