Let’s face it. All of us have a psychological disorder that has yet to be diagnosed. Today the Intergalactic Business Report reveals five new ones that aren’t approved by that book that tells you what disorders there are. Feel free to use these before everyone else does.
Can’t do my laundry without assistance disorder. A desperate feeling of being unable to do one’s own laundry without almost total assistance from someone else. “Total assistance” would mean the other person does the laundry while you just sit there or go do something else.
You talking phobic. This is when you can’t listen to someone else’s (usually a particular person’s) shit without wanting to put your hands over your ears and roll around on the ground in anguish. The quick treatment for this phobia is for the other person to just shut the fuck up immediately and probably never speak to you again.
Can’t stop looking at your breasts syndrome. This debilitating disorder is manifested when someone speaks with a woman who has large breasts and he cannot avert his gaze from her boob area, even if he wanted to.
Can’t go to work today disorder. This is the crushing inability to have the desire to show up to work. This can be brought on by a massive hangover or your boss’s face, which may actually be the main cause of this. A solution may be to either work from home permanently or have your boss alter his face either through extreme plastic surgery or by wearing a mask or bag over his head.
Casual Tourette Syndrome. Unlike regular Tourette Syndrome, this is when someone says offensive shit only when he feels like it.
Up for grabs gives you seven never before used interior design styles. Go ahead and take them before they’re all the rage. You’ve heard of French Country and Shabby Chic, but have you heard of:
Redneck Furbaby. Couches with holes that are filled in with dog hair.
Unemployed waiter. A reclining chair with drink holders and a t.v.
Mid-century Italian-American. Spaghetti sauce stains on walls and a wife beater draped over a kitchen table chair that people turn around to sit in.
Irish minimalism. A bottle of whiskey in an otherwise empty room.
My house just got robbed. Random shit thrown all over the floor, urine stains on the couch, open refrigerator doors, and an anarchy symbol spray-painted on the wall.
Crack house luxe. A stained looking mattress with no sheets but it costs twenty thousand dollars.
Grandma got evicted. A distressed rocking chair and some Christmas cookies poured over the floor.
Most cultures have languages with words that mean things. A cat is a cat and a dog is a dog, but when it comes to Grandfather and Grandmother, people can’t and won’t stop making up stupid sounding alternative names like Nana and Papi. Long ago, someone in their stupid families started the tradition and now you’re stuck with it. Or are you?
Up for grabs offers you seven sweet new grandparent nicknames that are just as dumb as whatever you call your parents’ parents, but these have never been used. Be the first by calling your old people:
1. Poopoo and Norma.
2. Pikachu and Manana.
3. Peepee and Ninny.
4. Porgy and Bess.
5. Porno and Nockers.
6. Pud and Nipple.
7. Prince Oldenballs and Madame Crotchcoffin.
Tired of hearing New Year’s resolutions about losing weight, being a better person, or other lies? This year, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you nine totally original (and attainable) resolutions that have nothing to do with self-betterment or finding love. Check them out, choose some, and change for real.
This new year, your resolution could be:
RESOLUTION ONE: To wear a sock over your penis.
RESOLUTION TWO: To make socks for people to wear over their penises.
RESOLUTION THREE: To perfect your own grunt that’s not “UNGHHHH,” or “EENNNG!”
RESOLUTION FOUR: To limber up and stretch enough to finally be able to suck your own dick. Then, at the last minute, cocktease yourself, just to know what it feels like.
RESOLUTION FIVE: To make a serious effort to end all your sentences with, “In my butthole.”
RESOLUTION SIX: To finally change your gait so that no one can track you accurately through the snow.
RESOLUTION SEVEN: To have a more entertaining internal monologue, that’s basically you and a pervy older guy talking about surfing all the time.
RESOLUTION EIGHT: To find your old high school girlfriend or boyfriend and convince them you’re a ghost.
RESOLUTION NINE: To become the guy who wears an Elmer Fudd hat in the summer.
Are you a bar owner who needs a signature drink? Or maybe you’re just some dickhead who invites people to his house for a lame party and announces that he has one. It doesn’t matter because the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered.
Not only do we give you the coolest new names for cocktails, but we actually give you the ingredients too. So forget Harvey Wallbangers and start making these five never before tasted drinks:
1. The Maple Boozle. This drink contains two parts maple syrup, one part strawberry schnapps, a shot of whiskey, and an olive. Feel free to top it off with your own vomit, which will come next.
2. The Phil Ratuliak. Have a “Phil” if you’re feeling like the party is dying and you need the courage to take your pants off and start a fight. Fill up a large glass with ice. Add Triple sec, chocolate syrup, and then keep pouring vodka till it spills over. Then drink. Then take your pants off. Then fight.
3. The Penis Flavored Nipple Twister. For this one, just pour any alcohol you want into a large glass. Stir with your penis. Then slowly do it without your hands. Then move your hands to your nipples. Twist. Serve on ice.
4. The Chicago Dog. Fill an empty “Big Gulp” cup with brewer’s yeast, hot dog flavored schnapps, Malort, and Amaretto. Add celery salt if you want.
5. The Philadelphia Horse Shit Super Bowl Special. Designed to taste like Philadelphia’s favorite post super bowl snack, the Horse Shit Special is tomato sauce, anchovies’, warm Budweiser, and lemon juice. Serve through someone’s butt crack.
Nobody is more tuned in to youth culture than the Intergalactic Business Report. We live “youthy” and are devoted to what’s happening on the streets, playgrounds, and smoking sections of high schools.
Want to be part of the “in” crowd at your ska (youth term for “school”)? Or maybe you’re an adult who wants to connect with the younger bros and bras? We unveil eleven new, never been used, “cool” terms, young people (or you) can start using today.
1. “Beef my steak.” Basically, this just means “turn up the volume,” or “raise the stakes.”
2. “Trusty!” Meaning this is trusted, and true. I believe in this.
3. “Flame it, bro!” Said when lighting farts, which is going to come back soon.
4. Having a “double butthole.” Said about eating so much that you need two buttholes to manage all the bowel movements you will surely have soon.
5. “I’ve got to burp.” “I am leaving now, and not in a good way.”
6. “Break that corndog off in my ass, brah…” This means, “I’m not hungry. You can eat whatever’s left.”
7. “Frnnnth!” Said to show massive enthusiasm.
8. “Shitshorts.” Pants or underwear you’ve shit in.
9. “Tough mutton, girlfriend!” Means that your boobs are showing.
10. “Treats!” This is said when you want to get someone’s attention, like a dog.
11. “Bajesus!” Exclamation to use constantly, in any context, for any reason, till you just kind of say it all the time and forget why and can’t stop.
Are you one of the few men in America who hasn’t named his penis? Or, even worse, have you tried to name it and found your choice ridiculed?
In this edition of “up for grabs” the Intergalactic Business Report offers free creative counsel on naming the most important member of your underwear household. As of press time, all ten of these original penis nicknames are available. Grab one now before everyone’s using them and you look like a fool.
1. Henry Dickhammer.
2. Dr. Joyce Cumming. (Replace “Joyce” with the name of whatever person you’re having sex with.)
3. Master Boner Thunderstick.
4. Lil’ Jimmy too soft.
5. Commander Jonathan Meatbringer.
6. Darryl Vaginadweller.
7. Ramses Holefinder.
8. Apocodick now.
9. Star Captain Eustace D. Porkensword.
10. Phil Ratuliak.
Alert: more adult domains up for grabs:
1. Assstuffers.com is available today. If you’d like to just stuff one ass, assstuffer.com (singular) can be yours for $27,000. We recommend saving money and stuffing multiple asses.
2. Go big, go small, but not tight. Bigbutthole.com is available. Smallbutthole.com is too. Unfortunately, tightbutthole.com is taken.
4. Treefuckers.com, treefucker.com, and treefuckers.com are all spoken for. Apparently, that’s a thing. But if you’re all right with being technical, treeholefuckers.com can be yours today.
5. Cryptozoological porn is an untapped market, as seen by the striking availability of both bigfootdick.com and yetihumper.com. Blaze a trail and snag these now before everyone starts humping yetis.
6. Buttlicker.com is available for about $10,000. We feel this may be a bargain, because it’s most likely that more and more people will lick butts in the next ten to twenty years.
7. Cock.com, cockcock.com, cockcockcock.com are taken, but if you can handle four cocks, cockcockcockcock.com is there for you.
Don’t underestimate the total apocalypse your work rivals will face when you brand the shit out of yourself – personally. Up for a promotion? Fuck that other guy by going with a cool nickname to endear yourself to the boss and every other office fool who engages you daily.
Intense research, aided by our proprietary computer program, has generated four nicknames that are not used by anyone in the world… Until you make use of them tomorrow when you announce yourself as:
1. The Schniz. Believe it or not, this nickname is not to be used because your full name is Schnizowski or Schnizzelstein. Instead, this name suggests a back story that no one quite understands but will probably laugh about, like an idiot who doesn’t know why he’s laughing. When people ask you why they call you “the Schniz,” you just tell them: “well, it has to do with me getting fucked by a sausage. But it’s a long story!”
2. Lil’ Grover. Like the muppet, only smaller. That’s you now.
3. Big Banana Jammer. Like a banana jammer, only much larger.
4. Schpuck. It’s not taken. That’s all we can say about this one.
5. The Mellon Reamer. The “melon reamer” is actually taken by a guy name Paul Jaworski in Dixon Minnesota. But if you add another “l” to “mellon” it’s like a whole new nickname. Your welcome.
Own a bar? Well, you’re stupid, because it’s the worst business anyone can ever have. But you probably heard that already, about a million times, just before you decided to be a total idiot and go into the “bar business.”
The only good news about your horrible decision is that the Intergalactic Business Report can turn your dumbness slightly around by granting you a superior name for your crap infested shithole.
These four winners have been scientifically chosen to turn you from total disaster to just a guy who owns a crappy bar – with an awesome name.
1. The Beaver Hole. This Oregon-themed title will give you street cred with lumberjacks and also make people think it’s a strip club. Watch all those disappointed faces enter your place of business and feel obliged to order a drink. You did it.
2. Big Dick’s Big Dick Bar. That’s correct, you get to be known as “Big Dick.” Great, right? And by saying that it’s a “big dick” bar, you will attract big dicks to come there. Score.
3. The Buggery. Like the famous “Snuggery” in Chicago, this is kind of like that. Except that it’s British slang for buttfucking.
4. The Snatch Factory. Kind of like the Beaver Hole (above) except the people you’ll attract will be much much worse. And they probably won’t order a drink. Hey, it’s number four on the list. You can’t expect too much.