Summer House’s Lindsay won’t give West and Amanda “publicist advice.” But we will.

West and Amanda face a wavy future together.

On a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, host Andy Cohen asked Bravo Summer House star Lindsay Hubbard about the sex scandal between castmates Amanda Batula and West Wilson. After some standard answers about when she knew what, Lindsay demurred when posed with how she, in her former role as a publicist, would advise the two. 
 
She contended that she wouldn’t take them as clients and that her only advice would be not to do what they did. To which we at the Intergalactic Business Report say, what a shitty publicist Lindsay must have been. 
 
If you’re new to the show, West, whose pouty marionette puppet looks and gay/homeless/someone’s grandmother fashion sense once brought him attention, girls, and a spot on the show, is now faced with becoming known as the shirtless dude with erect nipples who looks like he’s going to cry all the time and maybe try to bang someone’s wife. Whoops. Too late. 
 
Amanda (the wife he bangs), shapeshifts at the mercy of editors who portray her as a fun but judgmental mean girl, a laid back pothead, a girl’s girl who’s a neglected wife, a neglectful wife, and now, a conniving cuckolder. 
 
But don’t worry, West and Amanda. We have solid suggestions for how to handle your unfortunate dilemma and we list them, free of charge, below:
 
 
West Wilson, Concept One: “Wild West” Wilson—Pussy Hunter.
 
Lean into your ability to seduce and destroy women who look like they wouldn’t talk to you in high school by offering courses explaining how the fuck you do that. Male audiences will be interested in your techniques much more than questions about your morality, so get on a platform like Master Class where you can present a six part series in which you teach them how to mope in front of girls, insinuate yourself in their lives, break up with them, do an interview with the New York Times, and then tell them you miss being best friends with them, all while you’re porking multiple other women. Focus on your “mope a dope” method, by which you mope so hard around women they get such a false since of security and standards that they have sex with you. 
 
Amanda Batula, Concept One: Pussy Hunter Prey.
 
Marry West and make him the unhappiest, most morose man in the world. When he inevitably divorces you, it will all be on him and you can say he tricked you into the whole thing using his moping skills (see above). You’re just another victim of the pussy hunter. 
 
West Wilson, Concept Two: “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it.”
 
Teach showgirls how to keep their nipples hard without ice cubes, unless that’s actually how you do it. 
 
Amanda Batula, Concept Two: Foreign baby farmer. 
 
Adopt a baby from a war-torn country so that when anyone asks you a question about the scandal you can just look down at him/her in your arms and say you have more important things to think about right now, like, for instance, little Changa here. Watch reporters melt with insecurity over their inherent racism and pettiness. 
 
West Wilson, Concept Three: Robin Williams rebirth.
 
Reboot “Mrs. Doubtfire,” only it’s just you dressed up like an old woman who takes her shirt off a lot. 
 
Amanda Batula, Concept Three: Beach wear for hunchbacks. 
 
Create a bikini line for disfigured people. Watch reporters melt with insecurity over their inherent ableism and pettiness. 
 
West Wilson, Concept Four: Lowered expectations. 
 
Be a “Crypto Dude,” so no one has any expectations for you other than that you’re a giant prick. Get a Ferrari. Pay for a license plate that says “CRYPTOKNG” and just keep being you without any of the consequences. 

Merch that West would wear.