Up for grabs: alternative sports for pickleball players.

"Touch my paddle. Yeah. That's it..."

Pickleball—the sport that allowed millions of people who weren’t that good at tennis to be kind of good at another sport that’s like tennis but smaller, almost as if you were a tennis player having a nightmare where you’re at Wimbledon only it’s super tiny and your racket sucks and the ball sucks and you suck. Also, when you win or lose you get to touch someone’s paddle. 
 
As Pickleball reaches its zenith before becoming a retirement sport like shuffleboard or Penuckle or hiding old people’s apple sauce, we wonder if players could have gone another way, if circumstances were slightly different. Is there, for instance, an alternative universe in which a different developmentally disabled sport beguiled Americans who long to be trapped in close quarters with sweaty people trying to touch their paddles? 
 
We may never know. But in our current universe, other options to playing Pickleball do exist and, we hope, will gain ground in the coming years. As a service to readers who feel they’ve pickled their balls too much and want to move on, and to those who’ve been hesitant to begin a sport that is an obvious entry point to swinging, the Intergalactic Business Report offers alternative activities that will give you the same or better experience.
 
Brush nuts and Cooter swiping. This game is where two men try to walk past each other and “brush” their nuts against each other without their penises touching. Women do the same, but with their vaginas, and they don’t have to worry about their penises touching so it’s a lot easier for them.  

Paddle porking. This is for those sick of playing Pickleball but  who still have their paddles and want to keep doing the other stuff involved with the sport, so they skip the game and go straight to sticking the paddle handles up one another’s butts.  

“YMCA” style shower competitions. Participants shower with each other and compete to see who can get who’s partner cleaner. Once again, this eliminates the actual Pickleball game and goes directly to what Pickleball players do after they play.  

“Can you hold my penis while I drink this beer?” In this contest, players try to drink beers while other people hold their dicks. Think it sounds easy? Try it and see how easy it actually is. (Answer: very). 

Social validation. Not so much a game as it is a psychologist (or life coach, or just some dude) telling you that you are part of society and accepted. This saves players from actually having to play Pickleball to feel a sense of purpose and belonging by being trapped on a mini tennis court with sweaty people who secretly wonder if they can go “pro” at this if they do it enough. 

Pickleball merch here