We give you the tools to create the perfect Super Bowl ad.

This year the Intergalactic Business Report is focusing a lot of attention on Super Bowl ads. It’s almost a little unsettling and compulsive. But we do care about other things. It’s not like this is all we do or all we are or all we are able to be. There’s a lot more. Really. Seriously. Don’t look at us like that.
 
Anyway... As it comes time for this year’s Super Bowl and the ads that surround it, we’re getting nervous—nervous for the companies and the people in them who paid big money for spots and are just praying right now that they won’t bomb and fail and that their boss is going to be like, “Jeff, I saw the commercial… Why was Carrot Top dancing with AI Gary Coleman?” 
 
We are, primarily, a business magazine, and that often means we care for people no one else does, including the highly paid schlubs who convinced someone to pay for a Super Bowl ad. To those schlubs we say, hold on, and really really think about whether you need to do a Super Bowl ad. If the answer is yes, then you’ve performed a time-honored business move—taking all your money and betting it on black, or red if you’re racist, which you probably are, but in the secret way where even your own mind won’t admit it. 
 
That being said, if you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right. Whether you’re one of the ad people hired to create or the dude who got approval to flush away corporate funds on a one-minute gag/vanity plug/orgasm where you don’t feel anything, then we offer you creative support for building that ad. If you’ve already made your ad, good luck, because you may not get a chance next year. But if you’re planning, and watching whatever gets aired next week, then read this and be enlightened, because we give you the tools to create the perfect Super Bowl ad, regardless of your business. 
 
 
Understand the categories: 
 
Most successful Super Bowl ads are from one of these four categories.
 
1. Think pieces, heartbreakers, and message ads.
These ads use emotional blackmail and sentimentality to make viewers cry. 
 
2. That’s so funny a celebrity just said/did that.
Getting a celebrity to do something awkward, out of place, or to become a caricature of himself brings big laughs and gets consumers to see your product as approachable and fun.
 
3. Aren’t we clever. Did you just see that? 
Hold on a second? They did what? Surprising the audience with a clever story line in which all is not what it seems can hook their interest. 

4. Sexy/Risque.
Sex does sell, and throwing in an element of the naughty can keep viewers salivating for more. 
 
Take any product/company/service:
 
In this case, we are choosing, randomly, Slim Jim Meat Snacks and Jerky, but you can pick anything. 
 
Combine all four elements like so:
 
Slim Jim ad:
 
Open to sultry, sexy music—a saxophone playing in the dark. 
 
Light hits the scene to reveal: a BED and sexy lady LEGS. The camera rolls up from the calves, the thighs, and we see: Luiz Guzman, eating a Slim Jim. 
 
He looks at the camera and says: “What? Slim Jim makes me feel sexy.”
 
NOTE: in the first twenty seconds, you’ve already covered #4 (Sexy/risque), #3 (Aren’t we clever, did you see that?), and #2 (That’s so funny a celebrity did/said that). Now all we’re missing is #1 (think pieces, heartbreakers, message ads). So… 
 
CUT TO: Children playing basketball in the park. Luiz Guzman comes out of a bush and approaches a group. They stop playing when he enters the court. 
 
LUIS GUZMAN: Sorry to break up your game, but I need to tell you something.
 
KID NUMBER ONE: What’s that Mr. Guzman?
 
LUIS GUZMAN: Every ten minutes, a child, just like you, goes hungry. 
 
KID NUMBER TWO: Just like me?
 
Guzman nods. He hands the group a pack of Slim Jims.
 
LUIS GUZMAN: Here you go. Snap into a Slim Jim. 
 
KID NUMBER ONE: Thanks, Mr. Guzman!
 
They all chew their Slim Jims and go back to playing basketball, even though the Slim Jims are hanging out of their mouths.
Luis Guzman looks at the camera. CLOSE UP of him with a tear in his eye.
 
CUT TO: Black screen, with white lettering that says: VOTE. 

Tees not allowed at the Super Bowl