I’m Rhoda Bloom and I decided to not even try for a good introductory sentence. No one’s going to read this anyway and even if someone does, it’s not like it’s going to matter whether anything about this is good or not.
Coronavirus sucks. But it sucks most because I’m pretty sure there will never be a cure. I even spoke with a psychic about it and she left midway through our session because she said the world was ending and she needed to get some of her shit together and try to drive down to some town in Mexico where she thinks she’ll be able to survive for another year before society completely collapses. I asked if I could join her and she was kind of like, “fuck you.” I even offered to do lesbian stuff, but she wasn’t interested, I guess.
I think people get weird when the world is ending. And then there are all these other people who think it’s not and they’re wrong. One of them on tv said that this will all be over by next year. I just laughed at the fucking tv and turned it off. The tv probably has so much coronavirus on it that it’s infecting my apartment anyway and I’m starting to think that the news report where they said things would be over next year was just a hallucination because when you’re about to die your brain does shit like that.
There was this show on once where it was just about good things people did and how life was great. Do you remember that show? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
This one friend of mine asked me, “Rhoda? How can you be so negative all the time?” And then I noticed a malignant mole on her face.
Anyway, since I haven’t been able to leave my apartment during the pandemic, I decided to read some books. I started with one about how America is dying and will just kind of blow up any day now and everyone will be like, “Hey, where’s America?” and the author of the book will be like, “Yeah, I told you so. You’re so stupid. Now I’m going to move to China, I guess.”
After that book, I read about how the sun is going to stop providing heat and an asteroid is coming to destroy the planet but it probably won’t make it before a black hole eats us first. That’s pretty much what I read.
I did some art, too. I drew a picture of myself in ten years. It’s a skeleton.
But it’s not all bad…
No. I take that back. It is.
I’m pretty sure I have the Coronavirus even though I haven’t been out in public for two months and haven’t come in contact with any human beings because I’m just eating old jello and toaster strudel I bought at Costco in 2018. I think I have the virus anyway and that they’re going to find out that we all have it and no matter what you do you’re going to get it or maybe that we were all born with it because our parents used Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo and that had bad shit in it and it got in their sperm or something.
That’s all I have for now. I need to go make jello and watch the news.
See you in Mexico or in the afterlife. Even though that’s not a real thing.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As the death toll for COVID-19 rises across the world, a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has found that the virus is more deadly than we first imagined. So deadly, in fact, that many patients are dying twice after contracting it.
The full report, which is about four thousand and thirty-two pages, shows stunning new findings about the nature of the virus and will be available in the near future. We have excerpted the key details below:
A subset of dead patients died again after dying.
This means that the Coronavirus is so deadly, one death is not enough for it. It kills its victims and then, once they are dead, it kills them one more time, just to make sure.
After death experiences by patients who were brought back to life confirm this.
COVID-19 patients who expired and were brought back to life describe an afterlife in which they were walking towards a light and then when they got to the light, there was another light ahead, and they needed to walk towards that instead.
In some cases, the virus took victim’s cars, drove them to ATM machines, and withdrew cash.
Scientists still have no idea how they learned patients’ PIN numbers, but one theory is that the virus just traveled to the person’s brain, looked up the number, and then was just like, thanks.
Coronavirus hates the name COVID-19 because it makes it “sound like a robot or something.”
This reveals new insight into the sensitivity and vanity of the virus. A source close to the virus reported that it originally had requested the name “Steel Thunderbringer” which was rejected, causing an outrageous argument that ended in the virus threatening to mutate and mix with new animal species.
On a related note, the virus hates the fact that computer viruses are called viruses.
It feels strongly that only viruses that infect the bodies of human beings are real viruses and that calling a bunch of numbers that make your computer slow should be called something else, like a, like a… But then it doesn’t have any good ideas for what it should be called instead.