Alien civilizations died because of technological advancement. Are we next? Not if we start getting dumber. By Ed Mountaineer.
In an age when technological advances are heralded as the key to solving poverty, disease, and every other problem imaginable, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Ed Mountaineer makes an impassioned plea to save our civilization by becoming much much dumber.
A new scientific study says there are no alien civilizations because they all killed themselves when they became too technologically advanced. The warning is clear: if you figure out too much stuff, you will eventually also figure out how to blow up your own planet and you’ll do that.
I want to get something out of the way before I write any more. I didn’t read the study. Why? It’s boring looking and doesn’t make sense at all, even though I didn’t read it to find out. But I do trust the study because multiple news sources have issued dumbed-down versions and because the guy who wrote it is a “French scientist” and he works at an Ivy League school where no one just puts out a “study” for no reason because all of those guys work for the betterment of humankind, almost like knights who are super smart and instead of swords they use computers or whatever.
Anyway… I want to save our civilization and I know how, even though I’m not a French scientist. The answer seems simple and one we should adopt immediately—being dumber and actively trying to be even more dumb than that. Let me give you some examples of how this will save our world.
SCENARIO ONE: The bad guys get nukes.
Here, some evil people get their hands on nuclear technology and are going to use it to blow everyone up. They’re super smug about it too and have weird reasons for doing it that no one understands like, “It’s time to start again. The universe needs to be put back in order.”
HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The bad guys get together and discuss their next steps. One of them says, “What is nuclear technology and how do we use it to blow up the world?” Another one says, “I have no idea. I’m too fucking stupid to understand that.” Situation ended.
SCENARIO TWO: We’re about to create artificial intelligence that will control all computers and electronics on the planet and as soon as we click the “on” switch, that AI motherfucker will calculate that we all need to die.
HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The guys who are building the AI look at each other and say, “I’ve never really understood how computers work.” They agree to stop construction, mainly because they just have a garbage can and some wires and some hot sauce and they decide to eat the hot sauce to see which one of them dies first since the bottle says, “Don’t drink this or you will die,” because it’s probably not even hot sauce. Earth saved.
SCENARIO THREE: Some scientists design a machine that can create black holes and as soon as they touch a button on it, our entire universe will be eaten in a matter of fifteen minutes.
HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The scientists didn’t go to college and the black hole machine is just a way for them to look at each other’s butt holes. Threat terminated.
SCENARIO FOUR: The new world government puts a chemical that cures all diseases into the water supply. Unfortunately, the chemical also kills everyone on the planet.
HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: “The new world government” is either a really shitty music group or a wrestling team and they don’t understand how to use or create chemicals. They also have no access to our water supply because no one understands what that would even mean. Like, is there a place where you can just drop stuff into a well or something and it shoots into our “water supply”? Crisis averted.
SCENARIO FIVE: An endless energy source is located at the center of the Earth. When we start drilling though, the planet shrivels up like an old sock and we all die in about fifteen minutes.
HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: Two guys are in a back yard and decide to dig as far as they can. They give up pretty soon into it. World safe.
CONCLUSION: I hope it’s pretty clear to “smart” people that their antics do not serve society well and that they are the cause of our future demise. I also hope I get credit for saving the planet because this is the last “smart” thing I will do for you and now I’m going back to being dumb, which is actually smart, and I’m a higher life form for realizing that.
SECOND CONCLUSION: I’m done writing now. Good bye.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.