In conjunction with science, the Intergalactic Business Report announces a new vaccine for COVID-19 that is not a vaccine at all but instead just a large glass of Hawaiian Punch.
How does this medical breakthrough work? First, it’s different than a vaccine. Second, it’s a glass of Hawaiian Punch. So is it actually better than a vaccine for COVID-19? We compare the two below: COVID-19 VACCINE: Will cure Coronavirus. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Will cure your thirst. WINNER: COVID-19 vaccine. COVID-19 VACCINE: Still in development. But a safe vaccine could be available later this year. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Already developed in 1934. So you know it’s safe. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Multiple pharmaceutical companies are in late stage testing to make sure the vaccine is safe. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Late stage testing for Hawaiian Punch was probably in 1933. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Even when it is approved, it will take months and even years to get it worldwide. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Hawaiian Punch is already approved and it takes four seconds to open it and start pouring it inside your mouth. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Faces some skepticism over its efficacy. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Everyone knows Hawaiian Punch works. No questions at all on that. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Delivered through an injection. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: You put the glass up to your mouth and tip it till the Hawaiian Punch juice starts going inside you. WINNER: Tie. COVID-19 VACCINE: May bring the world back to normal. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Without it, the world could never be normal. So, it’s almost like the original “bring the world back to normal” thing you put in your body. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Being developed faster than any vaccine in the past. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Being drunk faster than any red sugar drink ever. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Will show scientists how to make future vaccines faster. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Doesn’t give a shit about that. It’s Hawaiian Punch. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. OVERALL WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. |
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