“Lose your grip.” The Intergalactic Business Report heads new movement to stop handshaking. (But it has nothing to do with COVID-19 spread.)

The Intergalactic Business Report has a venerable history of serving the public through charitable work and public awareness efforts. In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, our editors noticed a movement born to stop people from performing handshakes. This became an opportunity for IBR to bring to light a serious issue that it has openly fought against for years: the practice of the “too long” handshake. To end this horrifying cultural abomination, we recommend that the handshake (even the shorter, less frightening ones) be banned altogether.
 
Here are the facts about the “too long handshake” crisis in America and the world.
 
 
FACT ONE: Before COVID-19, approximately 40 million people per day shook hands at least once in the United states. Of those 40 million, between 4 and 14 million performed what we call a “too long” handshake.
 
FACT TWO: A “too long” handshake is an opportunity for a handshaking deviant to grasp your hand and hold it indefinitely, making you wonder if he will ever let go. Too long handshakers (or TLHs) exploit common social etiquette to serve their odd perversion and receive gratification from “capturing” your hand.
 
FACT THREE: With the advent of the Coronavirus pandemic, handshaking numbers plummeted and remain relatively low. For now… TLHs, infuriated by health concerns that inadvertently cut off their supply of victims, began to offer their hands as a gesture of political unity or trust. When people fell for it, the TLHs would hold their hands for what seemed like an eternity.
 
FACT FOUR: We all know the feeling of making the mistake of shaking someone’s hand and then seeing the crazy glint in his eyes as he watches you panic and try to retract your fingers from his icy grip. When this happens, you have unwittingly let yourself become a part of his sick perversion. 
 
FACT FIVE: People ask us if our efforts have to do with public health. Sure. If that stops you from shaking hands and giving too long handshakers a forum to abuse their fellow citizens. But in actuality, we just always thought shaking hands was creepy and want it ended today.
 
FACT SIX: People who say stuff like, “How dare you tell me not to shake hands!” And, “Shaking hands is part of our culture! I won’t give that up!” are just trying to trick you into giving up your hand to them so they can hold it in ecstasy while you struggle to get free.
 
FACT SEVEN: Please see our public service memes below: