We joke about it. We laugh as we recount how much we ate or how drunk we got last Thanksgiving. It’s funny to think about eating so much you can’t walk or having so much to drink that you forget the entire day. But new medical advice* curated by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that not being able to walk or being black out drunk may actually be bad for your health. In the worst cases, your holiday antics could land you in a coffin.
We outline seven signs you may have had too much:
1. You’re talking to your uncle, but he’s also Jesus.
2. Someone keeps saying, “Stay with us!” and you’re lying on a cart or something and it’s getting pushed really really fast down a hallway.
3. Your grandfather is bitching at you again about how you drink too much. But he’s been dead for 17 years.
4. There’s a light ahead and you feel like you need to get to it, but when you arrive, you’re too fat.
5. You’re asked if you want a drumstick and you decide to make it interesting by not answering right away and instead reciting some poetry you wrote, and everyone seems to like it a lot, like maybe they’d buy your book if you had a book of poetry, but actually you’re not talking because you died a few minutes earlier and someone else ate the last drumstick anyway because no one every offers you the fucking drumstick.
6. Everyone around you keeps asking, “Is he dead?” They don’t look super worried though.
7. When you grab for a beer, your hand passes through the bottle. You keep trying to grab it but it never works. Then you concentrate super hard and you knock the bottle off the table and everyone in the kitchen is like, “What the fuck was that?” And you’re like, “Can someone please get me a beer?” And someone says, “I think I heard something.” And someone else says, “I think I felt something. It was awful. It felt like (your name) was here for a second.” Someone else just says, “Ewww.”
*All advice given is 100% medical, which is like being scientific, only more having to do with doctors or your body or medicine.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.