Hey, Onion. Here are headlines we can’t use and are just throwing in the trash.

This, but virtual...

“Big Humor” publication the Onion won’t accept ideas outside their inner circle and have a strict no submission policy. But what should writers at the Intergalactic Business Report do when they come up with goofy headlines we won’t use because that’s not our thing? 
 
The answer: throw them in the virtual trash in a lame attempt to give them to humor icons like the Onion. Below, we list 20 or so headlines we came up with. And yes, most of them suck. And are dated. But they’re just sitting there, in our cyber trash, so…
 
1. Mind reader has no excuse when boss asks him why he didn’t do what he didn’t ask him to do.  

2. Nazi time travelers confirm 23 and Me would have saved them a lot of time.  

3. Man finally limbers up enough to felate himself. Finds out he hates felatio.  

4. Jesus shows up at “come to Jesus” meeting. Says he doesn’t care Rhonda missed her deadline.   

5. Eric B. and Rakim still working on master plan they started in 1987.   

6. Blue Blockers infomercial shoot goes awry when Keith David refuses to wear them.  

7. Slutty version of Alexa available soon.   

8. Tainted ass sends six to hospital with E. coli.   

9. Ohio State fraternity president graduates with Magna Cum Louder honor.  

10. Eastern Canada named sluttiest region after being repeatedly slammed by Hurricane Dorian last year.  

11. Man named “BJ” reveals real name is Buttfucker Jerkoff.   

12. Wildlife sanctuary owner considers pay-per-view event where animal “best friends” kill each other.   

13. Man who says, “Hey my friend” to people who aren’t his friends has actual friends questioning his loyalty.

14. Adult film industry stumped in coming up with porn titles for Pacific Rim franchise.  

15. New sex robot so realistic it just wants to be friends.   

16. Business dude impregnates trophy wife by making direct deposit into CD with 9-month maturity rate.    

17. Discount strip clubs blamed for coin shortage.  

18. Teacher chose teaching over being a doctor because he wanted to grow young minds and nobody anywhere would allow him to be a doctor.   

19. In solidarity with BLM, country music group “the Klansmen” to be now known as “the men.”  

20. In chilling rebuke of Biden inauguration, Trump releases Bigfoots from White House basement.  

​21. Man has “butt feeling” his hemorrhoids are back. 

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