The month of August has been named “Drunk People Awareness Month” by the Intergalactic Business Report. The decision came following years of negative perceptions of inebriated men and women who, because of their lifestyle choices, have been portrayed as stupid and unreliable in television and films and generally regarded as less than fully-functioning, sober citizens.
This August, we hope to challenge those perceptions by sharing positive stories and insights about the amazing drunk people we call friends, family, and that guy walking over there who looks like he’s going to, yeah, he’s going to walk into that wall. We kick off the month with some quick facts about drunks you may not know.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT ONE:
Drunk people are more capable and willing to show love than sober people. Drunks are able to fall in love with people they met earlier that evening and in some cases even marry them the next morning after drinking all night. Sober people find it almost impossible to stare at their friends and co-workers and say, “Lissen… Lissen… Lemme tell you somethin… I love you… I seriously love you…” and then repeat that forty-seven more times.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT TWO:
Drunk people are passionate about their opinions and politics. They don’t shy away from having a breakthrough discussion about what they truly believe. Older drunks even begin by looking around the bar and then saying, “I probably shouldn’t say this out loud…” but then they say it anyway.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT THREE:
That music that you’re casually listening too might make a drunk person start crying. Insensitive sober people often play music in their homes, cars, or even in their places of business without any awareness that certain songs can trigger instant bad memories in a drunk person’s mind. This can cause instant crying, followed by a lengthy explanation of how “We don’t have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)” was playing when he broke up with his girlfriend in eighth grade.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FOUR:
Telling a drunk person that they’ve “had too much,” or “need to slow down” is like telling a sober person to go fuck themselves with a broom. And yet sober people keep telling them this, again and again. When will it end?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FIVE: So many sober people talk about how success comes when you stop caring about what other people think. Drunks do this every time they are drunk. So they’re successful, right? So shut up.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SIX: People write better when they’re drunk.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SEVEN: Is Taco Bell open?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT EIGHT: The next time a drunk person asks you to drive them to Taco Bell, just do it. Seriously. Do it now. Jesus.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.