They look and sometimes actually taste like shit, but they’re always sitting there in the check out lane at grocery stores. You wonder who actually buys them, till you break down and start stuffing one and then another and another in your mouth and feel a fleeting since of dark, perverse release before the cops arrive and awkwardly cuff you in a poor attempt to avoid getting your chocolate and saliva all over them. We’re talking about candy bars, and today the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the real story about what they’re really saying.
Hershey’s. Proud to be the only candy brand synonymous with anal sex.
Clark. Why didn’t we just name it a “Dick Bar”?
Baby Ruth. Want to eat something best known for looking like a floating turd in Caddyshack?
Twix. We were going to name ourselves “twat” but that didn’t sound sexually deviant enough.
Kit Kat. We support subliminal animal abuse. Break me off a piece of that kitty cat? What?
Mentos. Try watching our commercials and not think they’re about random sex with strangers.
Zagnut. Still dying to figure out how to jump on the “deez nutz” bandwagon.