Hidden brand messages: Coronavirus Vaccines.

As we wait for vaccines to be distributed, many of us are trying to decide which one to take when they finally become available in early or late whenever. You can’t take two (we think?) so you need to choose wisely. 
 
Instead of giving you relevant information on side effects or efficacy* we examine the true meaning behind the brand names, which we feel is a stronger indicator of how you should make important decisions. 
 
So, which brand should you take? We look at approved and soon to be approved brands that you can have a nurse shoot into your arm if they don’t lose all the doses first. 
 
 
Pfizer-BioNTech:
Myron Pfizer used to get picked on in school till he invented a robot friend named BioNTech to defend him. Now these two zany motherfuckers have come up with a vaccine. If enough people take it, prom may not get cancelled and Myron might beat out Chip Burtkowski for homecoming king, while BioNTech just looks on because there’s nothing for him. He’s just there to serve Myron like his slave or whatever. 
 
Moderna:
Original company name, Old World Medieval Scrimfart, was scrimfarted for this new identity conveying a company that no longer makes use of leeches, torture chambers, or wizards. 
 
AstraZeneca:
Like it’s close cousin, Astroglide, they were going for a name that was part lube, part distant solar system where they have Buck Rogers disco parties and use a lot of lube.
 
Janssen:
“Phil Janssen’s Hot Beef Injection” made focus groups feel they would need to have sex with a guy whose magic penis could cure them, so they called it this instead. Although you still have to have sex with Phil Janssen for it to work, according to Phil Janssen.
 
Novavax:
The only vaccine where they also smooth out your pube area when you’re done with the shot. 
 
Russia Very Strong Vaccine Very Good You Take It:
We think this is what it’s called. Probably the best vaccine name ever.
 
 
*Efficacy. Something to do with sex and people’s faces, we assume?

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