 Hotels are where you go when you need to sleep somewhere and decide to pay money to do it on someone’s stained semen after you watch pay per view porn. But which semen-stained bed should you choose? The Intergalactic Business Report helps you decide by showing you the hidden brand messages behind each of these chains: Marriott: It’s hotter to watch porn in a Mormon hotel. Super 8: The word “suppurate” means to produce puss. We’re not even making that one up. Holiday Inn: “Ho Inn” for short. Ritz Carlton: Rich people’s jizz is better than Motel 6 jizz. Sofitel: We say, “Bon jour” when you arrive. Now let’s speak English. Red Roof Inn: The finest of the “murder hotels.” Best Western: When your options are us or Jeff’s back seat. Motel 6: We’ll keep the light on for you so you can see the face of the guy who’s murdering you. Comfort Inn: Are you “comfortable” sleeping on someone’s jizz stains?  With the click of a button you can now hook up with someone else who’s clicked a button. Oh, and you need to take a fake picture of yourself too. But how do you decide where you should post those fake pictures and click those buttons? The Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary brand deconstruction system tangles with online dating and gives you the real messages the industry doesn’t want you to know. Tinder. Your life if it were a porn. Oh wait. We guess it is now. Match. “Match” your herpes with someone else’s gonorrhea. E-Harmony. We thought it was a good idea to feature fourteen-year old looking people in our ads now. Farmers Only. Hold my dip cup while I make out with you. Elite Singles. Truly elite people always use the word “elite.” Christian Mingle. “Christian Fucking” didn’t sound right for some reason. OkCupid. Not great or amazing. Just O.K. Zoosk. The sound of you grabbing your car keys and running out of your hookup’s apartment at 3 a.m. |
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February 2025
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