In a recent commercial for LeafFilter, probable vampire-demon and company owner Matt Kaulig holds hostage-style interviews with homeowners on their lawns. Each “participant” looks wary of displeasing Matt, and answers in hopes of avoiding their dark lord’s just-beneath-the-surface, bubbling anger and his accompanying wrath.
As we watch these uncomfortable conversations and the death stare Kaulig focuses on his subjects, we can only imagine the actual, off-screen interviews that surely take place before filming even begins. These horrifying exchanges, in our imagination, are pre-requisites for the happy customers to be put on camera with the 4,000-year-old, all-powerful Kaulig.
Here is our dramatization.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I’m glad you two could join me. Please tell me what you love about LeafFilter.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Oh, LeafFilter is the best. It’s changed our lives. No more worries. About anything!
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: I couldn’t agree more! LeafFilter is the greatest invention of all time. By far.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: That’s mighty high praise for our product. Tell me, do you have any other thoughts about LeafFilter? I want to know more.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Uh. It’s great?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yeah. Yeah, it’s so great.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I guess it sounds like you’re just saying how great it is without providing a lot of details about how or why it’s so great.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Oh, no. I have lots of details.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: Please share them then.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: I think LeafFilter should be in charge of our justice system!
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: What?
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like it should decide who’s guilty and not guilty.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: And then mete out justice accordingly.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: You think a company that protects your gutters from leaf buildup should try people for criminal acts and then dispense punishments?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yes. Yes. But not ones where they take it easy on anyone.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Right. The punishments would be harsh. Really harsh. Where you’d say, “Woah, that’s harsh, even for me,” but then you’d accept that LeafFilter is the ultimate authority on what the level of punishment should be and you don’t complain or anything and just kind of let it happen and don’t ever say anything to the real authorities.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD (to his producer): Yeah, these two are good. Get them ready for the next spot.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.