Once again, our proprietary research brings you the hidden messages behind the world's most popular brands (as well as some that people don't really give a shit about). This week, we focus on beer.
Bud Light: Our beer sucks, so here’s a lame new catchphrase you can repeat to your lame friends.
Dos Equis: We’re not really Mexican, so here’s some weird shit to make you not think about that.
Heineken: If you’re a douche, you’re already drinking our beer and that’s good enough for us.
Coors Light: The only way you can drink this shit is if it’s so cold it doesn’t matter.
Old style: This is what you drink right before you kill yourself.
Corona: Mexicans don’t drink our beer but dickheads from 80’s beach movies do.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: For 25-year-old assholes with beards.
Sam Adams: If we weren’t constantly telling you how great our beer is, you’d just drink it and say, “Yeah, this tastes like Miller Lite.”
Miller lite: When you really just don’t give a shit about anything anymore, drink this.
Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you.
This week, we explore the automobile category:
Nissan: The preferred car of people with herpes.
Infiniti: The same as Nissan, but also if you’re an asshole.
Chevrolet: If you have to buy American, then I guess this will work…
Ford: Driving us is like beating off to a Land’s End catalog.
Porsche: Since Jake in 16 candles, no attractive man has driven one.
Volvo: Still trying to pretend we’re Swedish. Because Swedish is good, right?
Volkswagen: Invented by Hitler, driven by you.
Subaru: So boring, but at least you won’t die.
Range Rover: We can fit a whole family of pricks in one of these.
Chrysler: Start getting excited about our new… Oh, forget it.
Toyota: We’re the car your dad buys you. And your dad is a dick.
Honda: Like a condom, we could break, and you won’t get any real pleasure from using us.
BMW: Hop in, fake rich people.
Jeep: The next time it snows, you can find us in a ditch.
Hyundai: Yeah, we kept the name “Hyundai.” So fuck you.
Lexus: Toyota for douchebags.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.