Malls. You shop there almost because you have to. But not really. Or do you? It doesn’t matter because every holiday you wind up there somehow, and you feel forced to buy something.
As you roll through the mall this season and try to not make eye contact with teenagers and that guy with his hand down his pants, consider what the major mall brands are really telling you. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its guide of hidden brand messages for mall stores:
Forever 21. We wanted to go with Forever 18, but our lawyers talked us into this.
American Eagle. If the Nazis were from America and had a store in the mall they’d name it this.
Argo Tea. We know… How the fuck are we still in business?
The Art of Shaving. We named this store when “deez nuts” jokes were still popular.
Gap. If you can’t find a restroom, here we are.
Barnes and Nobles. People who don’t read giving books to people who don’t read. That’s our thing.
Build a Bear Workshop. We tried to invent “build a girlfriend workshop” but settled for this instead.
Eddie Bauer. If you’d never heard of our store and just heard “Eddie Bauer” you’d think we were talking about the kid who’d pull his pants down in front of you at recess.
Hollister. Our store is really just a giant douchebag container.
Lululemon. Your fat ass. Our tight pants.
Nordstrom. Such great service you’ll want to ask us for a blowjob, just to see.
Tumi. Wanna pay a thousand dollars for a box to put your clothes in?
Victoria’s Secret. If you don’t rip our clothes off her, they’ll fall apart on their own.
Vineyard Vines. For the next generation of Ted Kennedys.