Coffee. It’s what you drink because a long time ago a friend told you it would help you wake up in the morning even though it tastes like really bad, burnt, dark chocolate. Now you drink it every day and say stuff like, “Don’t talk to me till I’ve had my first cup of coffee,” and “I need my coffee!” That’s your life now. And your friend was a dick.
Anyway, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks down the hidden messages behind some of the world’s major coffee brands. Read this before you say something stupid like, “My blood type is coffee” and the three dorks in your office who laugh at cat memes lose their shit.
Lavazza. “Hey, I’m Tony Lavazza. Drink my friggin’ coffee,” was our first brand identity concept. Then we decided to go classy Italian.
Starbucks. Seattle used to be cool. In 1995. This is what’s left.
Dunkin’. So cheap we didn’t even add a “g” to the end of our name.
Peet’s. We were going for a name that sounded like a kid’s t.v. show star who is jailed for child molestation. How’d we do?
Caribou. Named after an animal that takes massive dumps in the woods. Get it?
Gevalia. Means, “Man who has sex with caribous” in Italian.
Folger’s. Good to the last drop. Like butt sweat. If you’re into that.
McCafe. Getting coffee at McDonald’s is the first sign you’ve given up on your Mclife.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.