The NURX Herpes date and women openly taking dumps—ad people finally just gave up. Now we help them drive completely off the cliff.

It’s not secret that NURX commercials are a favorite of the Intergalactic Business Report. We respect their assertion that a couch can write prescriptions and we revere the endless fucked-up backstory possibilities of their commercial characters. Their new instant classic, “Get Back Out There,” features a veritable behind the scenes build up to the most horrible Tinder hookup ever, as two human red flags swipe right on each other and prepare for a date. 
 
While the NURX ad may feature the first time we’ve ever seen a commercial where a guy opens his sweatpants and looks down with dismay at his diseased dick, a new spot by Garden of Life, entitled “Poopowerment” features a lot of women taking dumps. We’re assuming Chuck Berry directed. 
 
Since ad agencies have clearly just given up on innuendo or subtlety, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its effort to give them a final push towards the coming reality. Below we list six new taglines for products we need to stop pretending aren’t gross or weird.
 
DULCOLAX STOOL SOFTNER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Ease into constipation relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Shitting me softly.”
 
MANSCAPED.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Below the belt trimming.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Get your balls ready for with-the-lights-on heavy scrutiny of your genitals sex with people who are going to judge your dick because this is all they have.”
 
DOORDASH.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Restaurants and more, delivered to your door.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Some guy just touched your food. Here.”
 
SUMMER’S EVE DOUCHE PRODUCTS.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Will leave you feeling clean and fresh.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Remove that natural stank coming out of your vagina and make it smell like this instead.”
 
DENNY’S.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “We love to feed people.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Drunk people take shits in our bathroom and then leave without paying.”
 
JEFF TANNER.*
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Hi, my name is Jeff. I just thought I’d come over here and say hi.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Hard to say which will be more disappointing about having sex with me: The micro penis or the diseases I give you.”
 
 
*Not technically a company. Just a dude. Maybe don’t sleep with him if he approaches you in a bar.

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