Apples. The fruit you eat after it falls off trees and some guy picks it up with his hands and puts it in a basket for you to eat after about a thousand other guys touch it too on the way to the grocery store.
You’ve probably asked yourself more times than there are guys touching your apples, “What do all their names mean?” The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the real meaning behind those heavily touched fruits that go in your mouth after countless people have palmed, fingered, and rubbed them all over themselves.
Honey Crisp. Honey isn’t crisp. It’s gooey. But we didn’t want to call the apple, “Gooey apple.” Oh, and it doesn’t taste like honey anyway. We just kind of threw that in because we also didn’t want to just name them, “Crisp apples,” because that sounded kind of dumb.
Jonathan. “Hi, my name is Jonathan. I’m an asshole. I invented an apple. Guess what I called it?”
Red Delicious. If you have to tell people something’s “delicious,” is it? Really?
Jonagold. “Hi, my name is Jonathan. I’m an asshole. I mixed my apple with a Golden
Delicious apple. Guess what I called it?”
Gala. What you’d eat if you went to a fancy ball where they only served apples, and also where you’d say, “This ball sucks.”
Granny Smith. Want to eat an apple that reminds of you of what an old woman would taste like? Here you go.
Golden Delicious. See Red Delicious, above.
Braeburn. Named after what you get if you have sex on a Berber rug.