Tired of listening to that asshole who says all vodka is the same? Then read on as The Intergalactic Business Report examines the inside deal on the world's top vodka brands (and some you just drink because, well, you've given up...).
Using our proprietary brand deconstruction system, we tell you what the real message is behind the fancy ads and stupid looking bottles.
1. Grey Goose. Be a classy alcoholic.
2. Smirnoff. Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.
3. Banker’s Club. When Smirnoff is too fancy, get drunk with us.
4. Tito’s. We’re from Austin, so we had to make our name sound like a taco truck.
5. Ketel One. Ketel Two is where we take shits.
6. Stolichnaya. Your first step in being an ‘80’s asshole. Bonus: Chernobyl what?
7. Belvedere. Try drinking this without thinking of the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere.”
8. Absolut. Drink enough and the nonsense on our bottles will start making sense.
9. Chopin. Inspired by drunk piano players.
10. Ciroc. Drink this and you may wake up at P-diddy’s house tomorrow. Or in your lame apartment. Yeah, probably there.
Online shopping has increased by 8 zillion percent from 1985, when it didn't exist. Now you can buy anything by typing, clicking, and giving your personal information to a company who will soon after send you an email saying you've been "compromised." Why walk to a real store and risk being mugged, when you can have it done virtually from the comfort of your lazy couch? Anyway, here's what's behind the biggest online shopping brands.
1. Wayfair: for men who want to finally come out to their wives.
2. Amazon: Stuck with a name that wasn’t even cool in the 90’s.
3. Overstock: We were going to name it crap warehouse…
4. Walmart.com: Buy our crap without having to smell the people in our store.
5. Ebay: God knows where this shit has been.
6. Zappos: In another life, we would have been a clown.
7. Craig’s list: The merchandise costs money. The murdering when you come to pick it up is free.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.