Intergalactic Business Report writer Ed Mountaineer went on a “deep dive” into the Metaverse being created by the company formerly known as Facebook. Today he delivers his review and it’s really really positive.
Dear IBR readers:
First up, I just want to say there’s a new thing called the Metaverse and it’s going to change everything. At least for me. Let’s start with some background. Facebook isn’t Facebook anymore because instead of being that thing where you post pictures and your mom likes them and then a fake Russian girl who’s not your mom wants to be your friend and you end up on a porn site and you give them your social security number and now they “own you” and tell you what to do and you keep thinking it’s going to end with them telling you to murder someone… Well, it’s not going to be that anymore, even though I’m assuming the Russians people are still going to be in charge of me.
The Metaverse is a place where when kids walk through a museum, the pictures come to life and start dancing because everyone’s on an acid trip. At least that’s what it looks like to me from the Meta ad I saw. Anyway, my review of it is basically this: I love it. Let me explain why.
First, I’m totally into dropping acid. That’s fine. I’m not sure yet how Facebook, uh, Meta, is going to deliver acid to school children whenever they enter museums, but I’m assuming they have a plan. Also, I’m assuming there is no age requirement for receiving drugs from them. Because if I enter a museum and they’re like, sorry, you’re not a kid, so we’re not going to give you acid, then fuck them and I’ve totally changed my mind about this review and will re-write it the opposite.
Reason number two I love Meta is that I like to touch paintings in museums and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble with the people I call “art rats” who hang around in fake police uniforms and wait for you to touch stuff so they can freak out and get you “removed” from the building. I’m assuming now that Mark Zuckerberg started Meta it’s cool to just walk in and hump sculptures and whatever else I want to do and the art rats will all be eliminated by Mark’s elite security forces.
I guess number three on my list is that I feel somehow Meta will allow me to finally suck my own dick. I don’t know how, but it seems like it would be the kind of thing where that would be possible. Maybe the animals train you to stretch differently because they’re able to lick their own crotches. Or maybe it’s another way like a fake virtual wizard zaps you and you’re like, “Fuck you, Wizard!” but then you look up and your dick is hovering in front of your face and you’re like, “Hold up. Thank you, Wizard!” However they do it I think they’ll get it done because this would be one of the first things any company would be figuring out since it’s obvious and it’s been confounding mankind since the beginning.
Anyway, I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is available to discuss your brand identity and he also DJs. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
In a recent commercial for LeafFilter, probable vampire-demon and company owner Matt Kaulig holds hostage-style interviews with homeowners on their lawns. Each “participant” looks wary of displeasing Matt, and answers in hopes of avoiding their dark lord’s just-beneath-the-surface, bubbling anger and his accompanying wrath.
As we watch these uncomfortable conversations and the death stare Kaulig focuses on his subjects, we can only imagine the actual, off-screen interviews that surely take place before filming even begins. These horrifying exchanges, in our imagination, are pre-requisites for the happy customers to be put on camera with the 4,000-year-old, all-powerful Kaulig.
Here is our dramatization.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I’m glad you two could join me. Please tell me what you love about LeafFilter.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Oh, LeafFilter is the best. It’s changed our lives. No more worries. About anything!
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: I couldn’t agree more! LeafFilter is the greatest invention of all time. By far.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: That’s mighty high praise for our product. Tell me, do you have any other thoughts about LeafFilter? I want to know more.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Uh. It’s great?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yeah. Yeah, it’s so great.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I guess it sounds like you’re just saying how great it is without providing a lot of details about how or why it’s so great.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Oh, no. I have lots of details.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: Please share them then.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: I think LeafFilter should be in charge of our justice system!
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: What?
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like it should decide who’s guilty and not guilty.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: And then mete out justice accordingly.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: You think a company that protects your gutters from leaf buildup should try people for criminal acts and then dispense punishments?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yes. Yes. But not ones where they take it easy on anyone.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Right. The punishments would be harsh. Really harsh. Where you’d say, “Woah, that’s harsh, even for me,” but then you’d accept that LeafFilter is the ultimate authority on what the level of punishment should be and you don’t complain or anything and just kind of let it happen and don’t ever say anything to the real authorities.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD (to his producer): Yeah, these two are good. Get them ready for the next spot.
The NURX Herpes date and women openly taking dumps—ad people finally just gave up. Now we help them drive completely off the cliff.
It’s not secret that NURX commercials are a favorite of the Intergalactic Business Report. We respect their assertion that a couch can write prescriptions and we revere the endless fucked-up backstory possibilities of their commercial characters. Their new instant classic, “Get Back Out There,” features a veritable behind the scenes build up to the most horrible Tinder hookup ever, as two human red flags swipe right on each other and prepare for a date.
While the NURX ad may feature the first time we’ve ever seen a commercial where a guy opens his sweatpants and looks down with dismay at his diseased dick, a new spot by Garden of Life, entitled “Poopowerment” features a lot of women taking dumps. We’re assuming Chuck Berry directed.
Since ad agencies have clearly just given up on innuendo or subtlety, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its effort to give them a final push towards the coming reality. Below we list six new taglines for products we need to stop pretending aren’t gross or weird.
DULCOLAX STOOL SOFTNER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Ease into constipation relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Shitting me softly.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Below the belt trimming.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Get your balls ready for with-the-lights-on heavy scrutiny of your genitals sex with people who are going to judge your dick because this is all they have.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Restaurants and more, delivered to your door.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Some guy just touched your food. Here.”
SUMMER’S EVE DOUCHE PRODUCTS.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Will leave you feeling clean and fresh.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Remove that natural stank coming out of your vagina and make it smell like this instead.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “We love to feed people.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Drunk people take shits in our bathroom and then leave without paying.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Hi, my name is Jeff. I just thought I’d come over here and say hi.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Hard to say which will be more disappointing about having sex with me: The micro penis or the diseases I give you.”
*Not technically a company. Just a dude. Maybe don’t sleep with him if he approaches you in a bar.
As Drunk People Awareness Month continues at an alarming pace, the Intergalactic Business Report realizes that many drunk people may be too drunk to understand the liquor commercials that are enticing them to get more drunk.
Do you want to drink Maker’s Mark and relive your horrible childhood? Or is it time to get down with your own mom? We tell you all you need to know as we present Hidden Brand messages: drunk people’s edition.
Maker’s Mark ad: “It’s your Maker’s Moment.”
What the ad is really saying: “Hey, Dad, I just stopped by so we could get rocked and talk about shit from my childhood.”
Crown Royal ad: “The guy who’s got it all.”
What the ad is really saying: “Hey, Mom, I’m home with some hard ass liquor. Let’s get so shit-faced I try to kiss you.”
Banker’s Club ad: “Drink Banker’s Club.”
What the ad is really saying: If you’re watching this ad for Banker’s Club you’re so drunk you just imagined you’re watching an ad for Banker’s Club.
Captain Morgan ad: “Got a little captain in you?”
What the ad is really saying: “Roll the dice, catch shit on fire, get a full arm tattoo. Oh, and get drunk. That’s you if you drink Captain Morgan’s.”
Jack Daniel’s ad: “Make it count (I always wanted to do that).”
What the ad is really saying: “Really bad decisions don’t matter if you’re drunk.”
In a new razor commercial campaign, feminine shaving brand Venus drops the euphemisms and directly calls pubic hair by name. No longer using phrases like, “intimate area grooming” or “tightening bikini lines,” Venus has gone full pube.
But what does this mean for other industries who for decades have hidden behind polite words and uptight, diversionary language to describe taboo services and goods? The Intergalactic Business Report maps out their future below, and gives you, the consumer, a sneak preview of what is to come.
COTTONELLE TOILET PAPER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Down there care.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Use these to wipe shit off your butthole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Get yours on.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Wrap your penis in this so it doesn’t get bacteria on it or shoot sperm into someone you don’t want to shoot sperm into.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “It’s time to Tampax with Amy Schumer.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “It’s time to shove this synthetic nob into your vagina to soak up the bleeding.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Soothing relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Stop that stuff growing out of your asshole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Find comfort and confidence in your most intimate moments.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Your vagina is dry because his penis isn’t exciting. Put this stuff on his penis. It won’t make it more exciting, but it will fit in now.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Guaranteed relief every time.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “You want to take a shit? Take this first.”
As we wait for vaccines to be distributed, many of us are trying to decide which one to take when they finally become available in early or late whenever. You can’t take two (we think?) so you need to choose wisely.
Instead of giving you relevant information on side effects or efficacy* we examine the true meaning behind the brand names, which we feel is a stronger indicator of how you should make important decisions.
So, which brand should you take? We look at approved and soon to be approved brands that you can have a nurse shoot into your arm if they don’t lose all the doses first.
Myron Pfizer used to get picked on in school till he invented a robot friend named BioNTech to defend him. Now these two zany motherfuckers have come up with a vaccine. If enough people take it, prom may not get cancelled and Myron might beat out Chip Burtkowski for homecoming king, while BioNTech just looks on because there’s nothing for him. He’s just there to serve Myron like his slave or whatever.
Original company name, Old World Medieval Scrimfart, was scrimfarted for this new identity conveying a company that no longer makes use of leeches, torture chambers, or wizards.
Like it’s close cousin, Astroglide, they were going for a name that was part lube, part distant solar system where they have Buck Rogers disco parties and use a lot of lube.
“Phil Janssen’s Hot Beef Injection” made focus groups feel they would need to have sex with a guy whose magic penis could cure them, so they called it this instead. Although you still have to have sex with Phil Janssen for it to work, according to Phil Janssen.
The only vaccine where they also smooth out your pube area when you’re done with the shot.
Russia Very Strong Vaccine Very Good You Take It:
We think this is what it’s called. Probably the best vaccine name ever.
*Efficacy. Something to do with sex and people’s faces, we assume?
The Intergalactic Business Report viewed with great interest a recent commercial for NURX birth control in which someone claimed she “got a prescription” for NURX, “from her couch.”
This immediately set off warning signals to our editorial team as we questioned the legality of a couch writing prescriptions as well as the breakthrough discovery that a couch can speak, advise actors about sexual health, and actually write its name on a piece of paper to be taken to pharmacies.
In an exclusive first interview, we talk with the NURX couch and find out how it does what it does. Although our conversation was between seven and thirty-six hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
INTERVIEWER: Let’s just get this out of the way. You can write prescriptions?
NURX COUCH: Well, I call them “scrips,” but yes.
INTERVIEWER: Why call them that?
NURX COUCH: Scrips?
NURX COUCH: I don’t know. I guess it’s just a thing.
INTERVIEWER: It’s just a thing?
NURX COUCH: Yeah.
NURX COUCH: Yeah, seriously.
INTERVIEWER: I think you say, “scrips” instead of “prescription” because you think it will make you sound cooler.
NURX COUCH: No that’s not it.
INTERVIEWER: Yes it is. You totally say that to sound cooler. It’s a sign of insecurity or something.
NURX COUCH: I thought we were going to talk about birth control.
INTERVIEWER: I never said that.
NURX COUCH: Then what are we talking about?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry… I just can’t get over the whole “scrips” thing. It’s just so fucking stupid.
NURX COUCH: It’s not that stupid.
INTERVIEWER: But you admit it’s a little stupid.
NURX COUCH: No.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, you think it’s cool then?
NURX COUCH: I think it’s whatever.
INTERVIEWER: Whatever doesn’t mean anything.
NURX COUCH: It means whatever.
INTERVIEWER: I know you’re a couch but are you fucking mentally slow or something? Is that why you can only say part of the word “prescription”?
NURX COUCH: I can say the whole word. I just don’t want to.
INTERVIEWER: Then say it.
NURX COUCH: Say what?
INTERVIEWER: Say “prescription.”
NURX COUCH: No.
INTERVIEWER: Cause you can’t.
NURX COUCH: Fuck you. I thought this was going to be a serious interview.
INTERVIEWER: You thought wrong I guess.
NURX COUCH: Fuck you.
(EDITORS NOTE: At this point in the interview the couch stopped talking. It was as if it was just a couch again. We’ve received some criticism for not asking it more questions while we had it talking, but it was really hard to get over the fact that the couch was so douchey about saying the word “scrip” the same way some people call champagne “champ.” But, considering the danger of couches being able to write prescriptions, we feel we’ve done a public service by silencing the NURX couch, at least for now.)
(EDITORS NOTE PART TWO: We were worried about the NURX couch coming back to life, so later that night we lit it on fire in an alley.)
Corporations have responded quickly to the Coronavirus epidemic and have changed their messaging to suit a planet of quarantined home-dwellers who can’t get their hair cut. But beneath their cheery, uplifting well wishes, what are they really saying? The Intergalactic Business Report lets you know.
Purell. Probably your only shot at not dying.
Southwest Airlines. When people got sucked out of our windows a few years ago, we felt bad. Now we feel worse.
Banker’s Club vodka. Isn’t it time you got drunk again?
Instacart. Not instant. Not a cart. But we will bring you a mystery bag of food you didn’t order. So shut up.
Wendy’s. Arby’s needs to shut its damn mouth.
Clorox wipes. Wipe the death away.
Home Depot. A lot of our stuff can be turned into weapons.
Hobby Lobby. NOT OPEN. Tee hee.
Uber Eats. Cab driver touched food is safe. Come on. Eat it.
Dasani water. Seriously? You guys are all assholes.
Before you can become a music super star, you need to have a cool name, and then you need to learn how to play a musical instrument. Or not. But you definitely need the cool name.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes behind the scenes of the music industry and reveals the hidden meaning behind the names of some of the most popular acts of the past thirty years.
Ever wonder why Tony Tony Tony was named Tony Tony Tony? No? Do you even know who Tony Tony Tony is? We tell you anyway.
Imagine Dragons. Imagine not sucking. We couldn’t do that, so we imagined dragons.
Foreigner: We wanted a name that said: weird smelling, culturally backwards, and unintelligible. How’d we do?
Tony Tony Tony: Tony is mentally challenged. We asked him what we should name our group.
Maroon five: Almost named ourselves “Jazzberry Jam” but then chose the next color in the Crayola box.
Hootie and the Blowfish: Wanted a name that sounded like both a children’s show where the star is arrested for child molestation and an urban dictionary sex act. How’d we do?
Phish: Fish, but way worse smelling. Like how everyone at a Phish concert smells.
Florence and the machine: Named after a young adult novel where a teenage girl falls in love with a dreamy robot.
Rental cars. You get them when you’re tired of your own car or maybe just don’t want hookers to leave their scent on your upholstery. But which hooker smell preventing company should you choose? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes behind the major brands to tell you what they’re really saying…
Hertz: It hertz to smell so much vomit in our cars.
National: What the Nazis would name their rental car company if they decided to do that instead of trying to take over the world and kill people.
Alamo: Remember the Alamo? You know. Where a bunch of people went there thinking it was a good idea and then found out they were trapped? That’s us.
Avis: For those who want number two, in their back seat.
Sixt: Dis is dah sixt time someone asked us why we have dis stupid name.
Budget: Founded in 1958 by Morris Mirkin. A merkin is a pubic hair toupee. Look it up.
Thrifty: Hey Macklemore can we rent a car from Thrifty? What? What? What? Nope. End of song.
Enterprise: Trying hard to make you think we’re actually an escort service. We send you broke twenty-somethings who are just doing this to pay back student loans and you ask them to have sex with you, right?
Dollar: No I won’t suck your dick, I mean rent your car, for a dollar, Phil!
Oh, that's what they're really saying.