Ed Mountaineer made some degrading videos in the 80’s. Now a company called Legacy Box says it can digitize them. He has some questions.
There are times in your life when you’re just watching t.v. and something happens that changes the way you look at life. That happened to me this morning when I saw a commercial for Legacy Box, a company that takes old videos and makes them new and not crappy and you can store them in your computer and put them on the internet instead of them being video tapes in your closet.
Adam and Nick are the owners of the company (I guess?) and this is what they say in the ad:
“Hi, I’m Nick.”
“And I’m Adam.”
“If you’re like us you have a box of old video tapes and photos just stacked in your closet.”
“Worse, they’re degrading.”
“The Legacy Box team saves these memories by professionally digitizing them on DVD, thumb drive, or the cloud.”
Woah, I thought. These guys have been in my closet. And maybe they were there in 1989 when I did that sex video with that huge fucking camera that held a full VHS tape and hurt the fuck out of your shoulder. Whatever the case, these guys are cool—meaning they understand all about sex tapes from the 80’s and don’t judge or anything. In fact, not only do they not judge, they’re willing to do what it takes to revive those old videos so you can upload them to the internet in real time tonight.
I assume they want a cut of the profits? Even though I don’t understand how you profit from uploading self-made porn from thirty years ago. I’m assuming there’s a ton of money in it somehow, otherwise Adam and Nick wouldn’t be so eager to get this done. No matter, because I may just find that old camera and do brand new self-made porn, probably with just myself since I have trouble finding people to do that stuff with, even if I pay them. Maybe Nick and Adam can help me out there! Ha ha.
News flash! Just found my own version of “Faces of Death” that I filmed in 1985. Nobody dies, but I do put stuff in my butt. Guess I’m going to have to include that tape to send to my new bros, Nick and Adam.
Woah, just discovered another gem. My nuts. On camera for like three hours. So weird. Why did I film my ball sack that long? Maybe I fell asleep with the camera on? Nick and Adam, you figure it out!
A couple of these tapes have jizz or something all over them. I’m going to send those in with a note that says, “Nick and Adam. Can you guys fix this tape? It’s covered in seaman and lube.”
I need to go now. There are a lot of old videos to look through that are going to become my “legacy,” right Nick and Adam? Thanks bros and I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at email@example.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Allstate’s “Mayhem” ads warn us that if we don’t by their insurance, we may have a middle-aged man who looks like he just got the shit beat out of him ruin our property. At least that’s what we think the message is.
In one of their latest spots, Mayhem man shows us how our smart home may be in danger of glitching out and causing untold damage to our house and appliances. This taps into all of our most primal fears about our computerized homes breaking down and catching on fire, maiming us with our own garage door, and setting a sprinkler system off. This fear runs so deep, we believe, because so many of us live in homes controlled by our internet router and random robotic shit as if we are part of a Jetson’s episode.
Below we list other highly probable insurance risks ordinary citizens should protect themselves against by paying for a home insurance policy from Allstate:
New Allstate ad spot 1: Ghosts who have sex with your fruit while you sleep.
Description: The mahem guy is wearing a sheet over himself with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth. He is in your kitchen railing a grapefruit, then throws it at a wall. He takes off the sheet and says, “I’m a ghost, and while you sleep I’m fucking all the fruit in your house.” Then he starts porking an orange. He has an orgasm and says something like, “So get All-State, and stop Mayhem, like me, from having relations with your produce.”
New Allstate ad spot 2: Your roof turning into poop.
Description: The mayhem guy is on your roof and sprinkling a magic powder all over it that turns it into monkey shit. He looks at the camera and says, “It’s a beautiful day and I’m your neighbor who decided to use magic dust to turn the roof over your head into pure primate kaka.” The roof collapses and the people inside are covered in feces. As they scream for help the mayhem guy stands outside their house and says: “So if you have cut rate insurance you won’t be protected from monkey shit avalanches caused by mayhem like me.”
New Allstate ad spot 3: An alien star laser hits your house.
Desription: “Mayhem” sits in a chair attached to a gigantic laser gun. The chair swings around and he releases a beam that goes off into space. He tells us: “I’m an alien warrior and I just shot a laser beam into space without knowing where it was going to go.” The laser beam hits your house, killing everyone instantly. Mayhem, dressed in a Martian costume walks by the ruins and says, “If you don’t bundle your home and auto insurance with Allstate, I may fucking kill your whole family.”
The Intergalactic Business Report first signaled the end of modern advertising when we saw Gillette break the perimeter of polite society with an ad about pubic hair. This was followed by a NURX dude checking out his STD ridden penis before a Tinder date and a commercial about women openly taking dumps. Now Craig Robinson, of everything fame, shows up as your buddy who wants to know what you think his balls taste like.
Don’t get us wrong. We’ve been waiting for advertising to devolve into this for a very long time. If only Macgruff the Crime Dog could have threatened hookers for sexual favors and Mr. Whipple just squeezed women’s asses instead of toilet paper. Sigh… If only…
This week, we re-imagine classic commercials that could have been so much better if only they had been given the latitude today’s admen receive.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “My safelite story.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “What’s your Safelite safe word?”
PRODUCT: Trix cereal.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for prostitutes.”
PRODUCT: Claritin D.
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Get more airflow.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Take the Claritin D.”
BONUS COMMERCIAL: “Can’t breathe? Take out the D.”
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Pork. The other white meat.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Pork. It’s what I’m going to do to your butt.”
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “It’s what’s for dinner (meaning my penis is for dinner [meaning you will eat my penis (meaning you will suck my penis, not eat it because that’s a whole other thing)]).
PRODUCT: Nature’s Bounty
ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Triple action.”
NEW COMMERCIAL: “Nature’s Booty. Triple action.”
Pockets the Clown endorses Scott-e-Vest. We have his exclusive message about his love for the product.
As a clown entertainer known for his custom-made suit that produces endless shit from its pockets, I never thought I’d be endorsing a different clothing brand that also claims to hold a suitcase worth of crap nobody really wants or needs.
For years, I’ve dazzled audiences with my ability to pull out ribbons, balloons, and smaller animals from the butt crack of my clown suit. Those oohs and ahhs fueled me to be the best in my business—that is, the niche category of clowns who pull shit out of their pockets. But when I saw an ad on t.v. for Scott e Vest, my whole world changed directions.
Scott e Vest is a brand of jackets and pants that can hold sunglasses, a tablet, a bottle of water, a phone, and probably an Eastern European dildo collection if you wanted to put that in there too. When you wear a Scott e Vest, you don’t look like a clown. Instead, you look like a person who just shop-lifted the entire beauty and home health section from CVS. But if you walk super slowly, it almost looks normal.
My wearing Scott e Vest is the equivalent of a mob boss going legit. I’m going to “get out” before I get “busted” as a clown. I’ll still have all my pockets but instead of being seen as a goofy, archaic, never really been funny entertainment relic from a time when people laughed at anything because there was zero to laugh about, I’ll be seen as that dude who’s wearing the jacket you can stuff 46 pounds of super heavy shit into.
When you think about it though, everyone is really a clown. Especially anyone who actually read this far into this article. Whether you go out and wear all the makeup or just look like shit, you’re a clown at heart. And whether you wear a Scott e Vest or a ridiculous pocket outfit, you’re, in the end, just a clown. A sad sad clown.
Anyway, get that Scott e Vest and stuff it with love this year. Love can be anything you want. It can be an onion loaf you swiped from an Outback Steakhouse. Or something else. I don’t really care. Just put some shit in that coat. And then walk around and try to look normal, like the guy in the Scott e Vest ad and me—two normal dudes, just walking around with 75 pounds of shit inside their clothes and looking normal.
All the best,
Pockets the Clown
Intergalactic Business Report writer Ed Mountaineer went on a “deep dive” into the Metaverse being created by the company formerly known as Facebook. Today he delivers his review and it’s really really positive.
Dear IBR readers:
First up, I just want to say there’s a new thing called the Metaverse and it’s going to change everything. At least for me. Let’s start with some background. Facebook isn’t Facebook anymore because instead of being that thing where you post pictures and your mom likes them and then a fake Russian girl who’s not your mom wants to be your friend and you end up on a porn site and you give them your social security number and now they “own you” and tell you what to do and you keep thinking it’s going to end with them telling you to murder someone… Well, it’s not going to be that anymore, even though I’m assuming the Russians people are still going to be in charge of me.
The Metaverse is a place where when kids walk through a museum, the pictures come to life and start dancing because everyone’s on an acid trip. At least that’s what it looks like to me from the Meta ad I saw. Anyway, my review of it is basically this: I love it. Let me explain why.
First, I’m totally into dropping acid. That’s fine. I’m not sure yet how Facebook, uh, Meta, is going to deliver acid to school children whenever they enter museums, but I’m assuming they have a plan. Also, I’m assuming there is no age requirement for receiving drugs from them. Because if I enter a museum and they’re like, sorry, you’re not a kid, so we’re not going to give you acid, then fuck them and I’ve totally changed my mind about this review and will re-write it the opposite.
Reason number two I love Meta is that I like to touch paintings in museums and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble with the people I call “art rats” who hang around in fake police uniforms and wait for you to touch stuff so they can freak out and get you “removed” from the building. I’m assuming now that Mark Zuckerberg started Meta it’s cool to just walk in and hump sculptures and whatever else I want to do and the art rats will all be eliminated by Mark’s elite security forces.
I guess number three on my list is that I feel somehow Meta will allow me to finally suck my own dick. I don’t know how, but it seems like it would be the kind of thing where that would be possible. Maybe the animals train you to stretch differently because they’re able to lick their own crotches. Or maybe it’s another way like a fake virtual wizard zaps you and you’re like, “Fuck you, Wizard!” but then you look up and your dick is hovering in front of your face and you’re like, “Hold up. Thank you, Wizard!” However they do it I think they’ll get it done because this would be one of the first things any company would be figuring out since it’s obvious and it’s been confounding mankind since the beginning.
Anyway, I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is available to discuss your brand identity and he also DJs. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
In a recent commercial for LeafFilter, probable vampire-demon and company owner Matt Kaulig holds hostage-style interviews with homeowners on their lawns. Each “participant” looks wary of displeasing Matt, and answers in hopes of avoiding their dark lord’s just-beneath-the-surface, bubbling anger and his accompanying wrath.
As we watch these uncomfortable conversations and the death stare Kaulig focuses on his subjects, we can only imagine the actual, off-screen interviews that surely take place before filming even begins. These horrifying exchanges, in our imagination, are pre-requisites for the happy customers to be put on camera with the 4,000-year-old, all-powerful Kaulig.
Here is our dramatization.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I’m glad you two could join me. Please tell me what you love about LeafFilter.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Oh, LeafFilter is the best. It’s changed our lives. No more worries. About anything!
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: I couldn’t agree more! LeafFilter is the greatest invention of all time. By far.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: That’s mighty high praise for our product. Tell me, do you have any other thoughts about LeafFilter? I want to know more.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Uh. It’s great?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yeah. Yeah, it’s so great.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I guess it sounds like you’re just saying how great it is without providing a lot of details about how or why it’s so great.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Oh, no. I have lots of details.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: Please share them then.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: I think LeafFilter should be in charge of our justice system!
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: What?
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like it should decide who’s guilty and not guilty.
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: And then mete out justice accordingly.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD: You think a company that protects your gutters from leaf buildup should try people for criminal acts and then dispense punishments?
HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yes. Yes. But not ones where they take it easy on anyone.
HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Right. The punishments would be harsh. Really harsh. Where you’d say, “Woah, that’s harsh, even for me,” but then you’d accept that LeafFilter is the ultimate authority on what the level of punishment should be and you don’t complain or anything and just kind of let it happen and don’t ever say anything to the real authorities.
VAMPIRE OVERLORD (to his producer): Yeah, these two are good. Get them ready for the next spot.
The NURX Herpes date and women openly taking dumps—ad people finally just gave up. Now we help them drive completely off the cliff.
It’s not secret that NURX commercials are a favorite of the Intergalactic Business Report. We respect their assertion that a couch can write prescriptions and we revere the endless fucked-up backstory possibilities of their commercial characters. Their new instant classic, “Get Back Out There,” features a veritable behind the scenes build up to the most horrible Tinder hookup ever, as two human red flags swipe right on each other and prepare for a date.
While the NURX ad may feature the first time we’ve ever seen a commercial where a guy opens his sweatpants and looks down with dismay at his diseased dick, a new spot by Garden of Life, entitled “Poopowerment” features a lot of women taking dumps. We’re assuming Chuck Berry directed.
Since ad agencies have clearly just given up on innuendo or subtlety, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its effort to give them a final push towards the coming reality. Below we list six new taglines for products we need to stop pretending aren’t gross or weird.
DULCOLAX STOOL SOFTNER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Ease into constipation relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Shitting me softly.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Below the belt trimming.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Get your balls ready for with-the-lights-on heavy scrutiny of your genitals sex with people who are going to judge your dick because this is all they have.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Restaurants and more, delivered to your door.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Some guy just touched your food. Here.”
SUMMER’S EVE DOUCHE PRODUCTS.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Will leave you feeling clean and fresh.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Remove that natural stank coming out of your vagina and make it smell like this instead.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “We love to feed people.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Drunk people take shits in our bathroom and then leave without paying.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Hi, my name is Jeff. I just thought I’d come over here and say hi.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Hard to say which will be more disappointing about having sex with me: The micro penis or the diseases I give you.”
*Not technically a company. Just a dude. Maybe don’t sleep with him if he approaches you in a bar.
As Drunk People Awareness Month continues at an alarming pace, the Intergalactic Business Report realizes that many drunk people may be too drunk to understand the liquor commercials that are enticing them to get more drunk.
Do you want to drink Maker’s Mark and relive your horrible childhood? Or is it time to get down with your own mom? We tell you all you need to know as we present Hidden Brand messages: drunk people’s edition.
Maker’s Mark ad: “It’s your Maker’s Moment.”
What the ad is really saying: “Hey, Dad, I just stopped by so we could get rocked and talk about shit from my childhood.”
Crown Royal ad: “The guy who’s got it all.”
What the ad is really saying: “Hey, Mom, I’m home with some hard ass liquor. Let’s get so shit-faced I try to kiss you.”
Banker’s Club ad: “Drink Banker’s Club.”
What the ad is really saying: If you’re watching this ad for Banker’s Club you’re so drunk you just imagined you’re watching an ad for Banker’s Club.
Captain Morgan ad: “Got a little captain in you?”
What the ad is really saying: “Roll the dice, catch shit on fire, get a full arm tattoo. Oh, and get drunk. That’s you if you drink Captain Morgan’s.”
Jack Daniel’s ad: “Make it count (I always wanted to do that).”
What the ad is really saying: “Really bad decisions don’t matter if you’re drunk.”
In a new razor commercial campaign, feminine shaving brand Venus drops the euphemisms and directly calls pubic hair by name. No longer using phrases like, “intimate area grooming” or “tightening bikini lines,” Venus has gone full pube.
But what does this mean for other industries who for decades have hidden behind polite words and uptight, diversionary language to describe taboo services and goods? The Intergalactic Business Report maps out their future below, and gives you, the consumer, a sneak preview of what is to come.
COTTONELLE TOILET PAPER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Down there care.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Use these to wipe shit off your butthole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Get yours on.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Wrap your penis in this so it doesn’t get bacteria on it or shoot sperm into someone you don’t want to shoot sperm into.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “It’s time to Tampax with Amy Schumer.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “It’s time to shove this synthetic nob into your vagina to soak up the bleeding.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Soothing relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Stop that stuff growing out of your asshole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Find comfort and confidence in your most intimate moments.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Your vagina is dry because his penis isn’t exciting. Put this stuff on his penis. It won’t make it more exciting, but it will fit in now.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Guaranteed relief every time.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “You want to take a shit? Take this first.”
As we wait for vaccines to be distributed, many of us are trying to decide which one to take when they finally become available in early or late whenever. You can’t take two (we think?) so you need to choose wisely.
Instead of giving you relevant information on side effects or efficacy* we examine the true meaning behind the brand names, which we feel is a stronger indicator of how you should make important decisions.
So, which brand should you take? We look at approved and soon to be approved brands that you can have a nurse shoot into your arm if they don’t lose all the doses first.
Myron Pfizer used to get picked on in school till he invented a robot friend named BioNTech to defend him. Now these two zany motherfuckers have come up with a vaccine. If enough people take it, prom may not get cancelled and Myron might beat out Chip Burtkowski for homecoming king, while BioNTech just looks on because there’s nothing for him. He’s just there to serve Myron like his slave or whatever.
Original company name, Old World Medieval Scrimfart, was scrimfarted for this new identity conveying a company that no longer makes use of leeches, torture chambers, or wizards.
Like it’s close cousin, Astroglide, they were going for a name that was part lube, part distant solar system where they have Buck Rogers disco parties and use a lot of lube.
“Phil Janssen’s Hot Beef Injection” made focus groups feel they would need to have sex with a guy whose magic penis could cure them, so they called it this instead. Although you still have to have sex with Phil Janssen for it to work, according to Phil Janssen.
The only vaccine where they also smooth out your pube area when you’re done with the shot.
Russia Very Strong Vaccine Very Good You Take It:
We think this is what it’s called. Probably the best vaccine name ever.
*Efficacy. Something to do with sex and people’s faces, we assume?
Oh, that's what they're really saying.