Intergalactic Business Report writer Ed Mountaineer went on a “deep dive” into the Metaverse being created by the company formerly known as Facebook. Today he delivers his review and it’s really really positive.
Dear IBR readers:
First up, I just want to say there’s a new thing called the Metaverse and it’s going to change everything. At least for me. Let’s start with some background. Facebook isn’t Facebook anymore because instead of being that thing where you post pictures and your mom likes them and then a fake Russian girl who’s not your mom wants to be your friend and you end up on a porn site and you give them your social security number and now they “own you” and tell you what to do and you keep thinking it’s going to end with them telling you to murder someone… Well, it’s not going to be that anymore, even though I’m assuming the Russians people are still going to be in charge of me.
The Metaverse is a place where when kids walk through a museum, the pictures come to life and start dancing because everyone’s on an acid trip. At least that’s what it looks like to me from the Meta ad I saw. Anyway, my review of it is basically this: I love it. Let me explain why.
First, I’m totally into dropping acid. That’s fine. I’m not sure yet how Facebook, uh, Meta, is going to deliver acid to school children whenever they enter museums, but I’m assuming they have a plan. Also, I’m assuming there is no age requirement for receiving drugs from them. Because if I enter a museum and they’re like, sorry, you’re not a kid, so we’re not going to give you acid, then fuck them and I’ve totally changed my mind about this review and will re-write it the opposite.
Reason number two I love Meta is that I like to touch paintings in museums and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble with the people I call “art rats” who hang around in fake police uniforms and wait for you to touch stuff so they can freak out and get you “removed” from the building. I’m assuming now that Mark Zuckerberg started Meta it’s cool to just walk in and hump sculptures and whatever else I want to do and the art rats will all be eliminated by Mark’s elite security forces.
I guess number three on my list is that I feel somehow Meta will allow me to finally suck my own dick. I don’t know how, but it seems like it would be the kind of thing where that would be possible. Maybe the animals train you to stretch differently because they’re able to lick their own crotches. Or maybe it’s another way like a fake virtual wizard zaps you and you’re like, “Fuck you, Wizard!” but then you look up and your dick is hovering in front of your face and you’re like, “Hold up. Thank you, Wizard!” However they do it I think they’ll get it done because this would be one of the first things any company would be figuring out since it’s obvious and it’s been confounding mankind since the beginning.
Anyway, I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is available to discuss your brand identity and he also DJs. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Oh, that's what they're really saying.