The Intergalactic Business Report viewed with great interest a recent commercial for NURX birth control in which someone claimed she “got a prescription” for NURX, “from her couch.”
This immediately set off warning signals to our editorial team as we questioned the legality of a couch writing prescriptions as well as the breakthrough discovery that a couch can speak, advise actors about sexual health, and actually write its name on a piece of paper to be taken to pharmacies.
In an exclusive first interview, we talk with the NURX couch and find out how it does what it does. Although our conversation was between seven and thirty-six hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
INTERVIEWER: Let’s just get this out of the way. You can write prescriptions?
NURX COUCH: Well, I call them “scrips,” but yes.
INTERVIEWER: Why call them that?
NURX COUCH: Scrips?
NURX COUCH: I don’t know. I guess it’s just a thing.
INTERVIEWER: It’s just a thing?
NURX COUCH: Yeah.
NURX COUCH: Yeah, seriously.
INTERVIEWER: I think you say, “scrips” instead of “prescription” because you think it will make you sound cooler.
NURX COUCH: No that’s not it.
INTERVIEWER: Yes it is. You totally say that to sound cooler. It’s a sign of insecurity or something.
NURX COUCH: I thought we were going to talk about birth control.
INTERVIEWER: I never said that.
NURX COUCH: Then what are we talking about?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry… I just can’t get over the whole “scrips” thing. It’s just so fucking stupid.
NURX COUCH: It’s not that stupid.
INTERVIEWER: But you admit it’s a little stupid.
NURX COUCH: No.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, you think it’s cool then?
NURX COUCH: I think it’s whatever.
INTERVIEWER: Whatever doesn’t mean anything.
NURX COUCH: It means whatever.
INTERVIEWER: I know you’re a couch but are you fucking mentally slow or something? Is that why you can only say part of the word “prescription”?
NURX COUCH: I can say the whole word. I just don’t want to.
INTERVIEWER: Then say it.
NURX COUCH: Say what?
INTERVIEWER: Say “prescription.”
NURX COUCH: No.
INTERVIEWER: Cause you can’t.
NURX COUCH: Fuck you. I thought this was going to be a serious interview.
INTERVIEWER: You thought wrong I guess.
NURX COUCH: Fuck you.
(EDITORS NOTE: At this point in the interview the couch stopped talking. It was as if it was just a couch again. We’ve received some criticism for not asking it more questions while we had it talking, but it was really hard to get over the fact that the couch was so douchey about saying the word “scrip” the same way some people call champagne “champ.” But, considering the danger of couches being able to write prescriptions, we feel we’ve done a public service by silencing the NURX couch, at least for now.)
(EDITORS NOTE PART TWO: We were worried about the NURX couch coming back to life, so later that night we lit it on fire in an alley.)
Oh, that's what they're really saying.