Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you.
This week, we explore the automobile category:
Nissan: The preferred car of people with herpes.
Infiniti: The same as Nissan, but also if you’re an asshole.
Chevrolet: If you have to buy American, then I guess this will work…
Ford: Driving us is like beating off to a Land’s End catalog.
Porsche: Since Jake in 16 candles, no attractive man has driven one.
Volvo: Still trying to pretend we’re Swedish. Because Swedish is good, right?
Volkswagen: Invented by Hitler, driven by you.
Subaru: So boring, but at least you won’t die.
Range Rover: We can fit a whole family of pricks in one of these.
Chrysler: Start getting excited about our new… Oh, forget it.
Toyota: We’re the car your dad buys you. And your dad is a dick.
Honda: Like a condom, we could break, and you won’t get any real pleasure from using us.
BMW: Hop in, fake rich people.
Jeep: The next time it snows, you can find us in a ditch.
Hyundai: Yeah, we kept the name “Hyundai.” So fuck you.
Lexus: Toyota for douchebags.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.