Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you.
This week, we explore the fast food category:
Carl’s Junior: Only eaten by people who’ve done amateur porn.
Wendy’s: Check out our meat. Don’t look at the people who eat it.
Sonic: Two dudes eating together in a car… all the time. That’s not weird.
Taco Bell: We stopped caring about anything eighteen years ago. Now drink from the meat hose and shut up.
Subway: When you have no other options… you’ll eat this.
Burger King: We’re Canadian. That’s what the weird stuff about the guy dressed up as the “King” is all about.
Long John Silver’s: We wanted to call it Long Dong Silver’s, but that was taken.
KFC: We didn’t actually shorten our name to three letters because we didn’t want you to see the word “fried.” It was because we didn’t want you to see the word “Kentucky.”
Papa John’s Pizza: Every time our founder says, “hey, wouldn’t it be great if I were in all the commercials?” we say, “uh yeah… that'd be great.” *
*UPDATE: Every time our founder says a racial slur at a media training session, we say, "uh yeah...I guess you're not gonna be in any of our commercials... ever again."
Chipotle: Don’t think we’re not making you fat.
Domino’s: Eat our crap and you’ll wake up tomorrow like you had sex with the devil.
Chik-fil-A: Closed on Sundays because unlike you, we believe in God.
Bonus message: You heathens are hungry, aren’t you?
Panera: You’re welcome, douches. This is for all for you.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.