Snack food. The stuff we eat that has no nutritional value but we eat anyway because we don’t care. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report gets chippy with the industry that gives us bite-sized fake-cheese flavored everything and tells you what their brands are really saying.
Doritos. Means, “little men that crawl out of my butt and hand me chips” in Spanish.
Cheetos. The official snack of people who try to touch you on public transportation.
Sun chips. We wanted a name that sounded like we support Apartheid.
Lays. What you don’t get if you eat our chips every day.
Pringles. A man with a nasty mustache is our symbol. Eat up.
Bugles. Cones aren’t bugles. We know that. But we’ll keep calling them bugles.
Chex mix. The snack equivalent of having some of your best friends and also all the people you fucking hate over for dinner.
Ruffles. Named after a clown who’s doing time for not wearing pants at kids’ parties.
Fritos. Spanish for, “sexually transmitted disease,” as in “Oh my god. I think I’ve got the Fritos.”
Funyuns. We were going to call them “onion vaginas” but that turned out to be a bar in Amsterdam.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.