Tired of listening to that asshole who says all vodka is the same? Then read on as The Intergalactic Business Report examines the inside deal on the world's top vodka brands (and some you just drink because, well, you've given up...).
Using our proprietary brand deconstruction system, we tell you what the real message is behind the fancy ads and stupid looking bottles.
1. Grey Goose. Be a classy alcoholic.
2. Smirnoff. Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.
3. Banker’s Club. When Smirnoff is too fancy, get drunk with us.
4. Tito’s. We’re from Austin, so we had to make our name sound like a taco truck.
5. Ketel One. Ketel Two is where we take shits.
6. Stolichnaya. Your first step in being an ‘80’s asshole. Bonus: Chernobyl what?
7. Belvedere. Try drinking this without thinking of the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere.”
8. Absolut. Drink enough and the nonsense on our bottles will start making sense.
9. Chopin. Inspired by drunk piano players.
10. Ciroc. Drink this and you may wake up at P-diddy’s house tomorrow. Or in your lame apartment. Yeah, probably there.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.