In a new razor commercial campaign, feminine shaving brand Venus drops the euphemisms and directly calls pubic hair by name. No longer using phrases like, “intimate area grooming” or “tightening bikini lines,” Venus has gone full pube.
But what does this mean for other industries who for decades have hidden behind polite words and uptight, diversionary language to describe taboo services and goods? The Intergalactic Business Report maps out their future below, and gives you, the consumer, a sneak preview of what is to come.
COTTONELLE TOILET PAPER.
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Down there care.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Use these to wipe shit off your butthole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Get yours on.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Wrap your penis in this so it doesn’t get bacteria on it or shoot sperm into someone you don’t want to shoot sperm into.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “It’s time to Tampax with Amy Schumer.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “It’s time to shove this synthetic nob into your vagina to soak up the bleeding.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Soothing relief.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Stop that stuff growing out of your asshole.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Find comfort and confidence in your most intimate moments.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Your vagina is dry because his penis isn’t exciting. Put this stuff on his penis. It won’t make it more exciting, but it will fit in now.”
CURRENT TAGLINE: “Guaranteed relief every time.”
UPCOMING TAGLINE: “You want to take a shit? Take this first.”
Oh, that's what they're really saying.